Tuesday, November 29

It is time Christians got what they deserve. It's time for some facts.

1.) Jesus was a drunk, or possibly a vampire. He liked wine so much he turned blood into it.

2.) Jesus never married. Or dated. He was the most famous guy around. Ladies dig power and fame, and he even had a few tricks up his sleeve. What straight guy wouldn't hook up with that? In fact, he never kissed a girl, only peasants and poor people. He was definitely gay. Looks like those single wise men had an influence on him.

3.) Which explains why they killed him.

4.) If you don't believe me, read the bible.

And what is the Christian stance on dinosaurs? Dinosaurs were reptiles that lived before us and fit into Evolution, which goes against the Christian philosophy of Creationism where God just pulled some magic tricks out his sleeve and created stuff in seven days. I was interviewing my roommates (both Christians) and they said Christianity doesn't have a stance on dinosaurs. How can you not have a stance on them? Dinosaurs are a huge deal. Will someone with Christian powers please inform me?

Also, Christians are supposed to side with God. God rewards people for being good, and the Devil punished people for being bad. So aren't they on the same side?

Furthermore, with the amount of bad going on, it seems like people should be ganging up against God, and take him out of his high chair. Instead of putting all this work into saying, "yeah I sinned, forgive me because you have no choice so I have a clean slate again," let's just say he forgives us constantly without us saying it. It seems too trivial to do what we want then just say sorry. I believe in democracy and I never voted for him. There's a reason Presidents don't get appointed for life. The power goes to their head. Don't fear, God may get re-elected, but Allah and Buddha may give him a run for his money and make him work a little harder at his job. All I'm sayin' is, if I'm having a god watch over me like a Peeping Tom, I want him bustin' his ass.

And remember all those people that keep saying Jesus is coming again? Or that the end of the world is coming? I know it became popular before the year 2000. I remember a special on tv where some Christians believed the end of the world was coming or whatnot. Guess what People-trying-to-gain-popularity-through-instilling-fear: the end has not come. People like this arise every once in a while, and pick some day far in the future, so that there's no proof they'll be wrong until that day comes. So all the while they gain popularity, citing vague references from the Bible to support their theory, then when nothing happens, which is every time, they fade from the public eye until they can think of another good time when the end of the world will come. How come nobody makes fun of them? Well here's me and I'm stickin' it to them for being idiots. Screw you guys. In the words of Americans across the nation, "your an idiot."


Anonymous caitlin undoubtedly said...

dude, he didn't turn blood into wine, he turned water into wine, the wine is symbolic of the blood of christ, it isn't actually his blood. Accourding to my Catholic teachings, the Devil doesn't punish, he tempts you to sin. And you aren't always forgiven, you go to hell if you commit one of the serious sins, like killing. You can also go to purgatory, which is basically hell, and you stay there for thousands or millions of years until you are atoned for your sins, then you can go to heaven. But it still sucks majorly. I don't think I believe in any of this, but I still have some sense of spirituality and faith, or something or other.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

Well well well. Look who's calling me out on all my shit. A girl. In that case, if you kill somebody and thus get a definite hell sentence, it's time to lose your Christian faith and stop believing you're going to hell anymore, because at this point, you're only screwing yourself over. Also, "purgatory" is a stupid name. It should be replaced with, "detainment center" or "timeout corner" for being naughty.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

"it isn't actually his blood."

Obviously. His blood disintegrated years ago, along with the rest of his executed ass.

Which brings me to my next point: why are Catholics against the death sentence? You're hypocritical! You people wouldn't even have a religion if it weren't for Capital Punishment.

7:28 AM  
Blogger Chris Nystrom undoubtedly said...

I would also like to add that I have nothing against any groups of people in any way.

Except Christians apparently...

8:37 AM  
Blogger Hollis undoubtedly said...

what i don't get is how everybody is so hung up on God being a person with thoughts and views and forgiveness and damnation cards to hand out to people. it's so damn silly.
God doesn't forgive anybody, people forgive themselves. then they think they'll be spending eternity hanging out in heaven, conscious like they are in their physical bodies. what fucking nonsense.

4:40 AM  
Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

haha. Well put. It is nonsense indeed. But still, lots of people (86% of the world is religious) feel better if they believe. I think I'm right, just as others think they're right, but I'm not 100% sure there is no God, just as anyone else can be sure that there is. I love the South Park episode where everybody dies, and they're all sitting in hell. A hell guy greets them to hell and informs them they'll be staying there eternally. One guy goes, "wait, I'm not supposed to be here! I lead a good life as a Born-Again Catholic and did everything right!" The hell guy goes, "I'm sorry, but your religion was incorrect." A Buddhist goes, "well which one was right?" "Oh...the correct choice was Mormon." Everyone sighs in dismay, then it cuts to a few Mormons sitting around in heaven cheering. haha, I'm probably going to get some people angry writing this. oh well.

6:25 AM  

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In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.