When was the last time you got a Christmas present? Last year? I want presents every day, but I don't get them. Come Christmas time, there's a lot of things I won't be getting also: an Xbox 360, a Mercedes, and an Egyptian slave just to name a few. Instead, I'll be getting a lot of crap that I don't want. I'll get some socks, some lame toy from Toy Works, some cards without money, some soap, and a day with my family. On top of that, I'll have had to spend a bunch of my money and time to buy other people stuff, probably stuff better than they're getting me, and there's no way of knowing. I don't want to spend more on them than they spent on me; I want to spend an equal amount, but there's no way of knowing the amount because I don't know what I'm getting because I have to WAIT as if it's a surprise. It's not a surprise; I know I'm getting gifts on December 25th. It would be a surprise if I didn't get gifts, and a surprise for all my relatives if they didn't get gifts, either.

I propose that instead of spending money on other people, buying useless crap they don't want, you spend money on yourself on something you do want. That way, useless crap-making companies don't make the huge sales they rely on during the Holidays, and they don't get to gloat over what a great company they are. Don't rob all the companies that make legit cool products Joe and his mom could use by buying something shitty that they have to pretend to like. Instead, guarantee that you get exactly what you want, without feeling like a jackass by having to tell someone else you want it. You're basically saying, "Hey, go buy this for me." If you buy it yourself, you don't have to wait around weeks or months or however long it is until this day for Christians (even though many/most of us celebrating aren't Christian) arrives. "Santa," like so much of your belief system, doesn't exist. Even the most hardcore believers can't refute that one. Oh, if you're a child, don't read the previous two sentences.

This guy doesn't even exist. Good job marketing schemes. You rock.

The only honest benefit Christmas brings us is the guarantee of vacation from our worthless jobs and school. Children get to roam the street during the coldest time of the year, catching colds and bringing them into your house to share (in the Christmas spirit...w00t!). If everyone buys themselves the gifts they want, we'll all have exactly what we want with no disappointments. If you don't get the gift you wanted, you'll know ahead of time--none of this get depressed on Christmas bull-donkey. Christmas is supposed to be a happy occasion!

People argue that the anticipation of getting makes the gift worth the wait. Garbage. Nobody likes to wait. For anything. When was the last time you enjoyed waiting in line for something? No store ownder has ever put out an advertisement, "You can't take it home today! You've gotta wait for about a week!" without suffering some serious mental/economical problems. It's not a convenience to have to wait, and nobody likes being inconvenienced. When was the last time you went to buy something you needed, and the "out of stock" sign lit up your face with joy? Are you getting the message or do I have to wait for it to sink in? For those of you who can't read fast, I'll try writing slower.

It's not that I dislike Christmas--I love it, but I think we should be allowed to buy ourselves gifts we want. Go ahead and buy other people presents too if you want--I don't care, but if you don't want to wait and then possibly not get the proper noun you saw in an advertisement, I don't see what's wrong with a little self-indulgence. The two weeks following Christmas have the greatest number of returns than any other time of the year, meaning Average Jane and Joe wasted time buying something useless, wrapping it, and then wasted the recipient's time by having to return it, and the store workers' time having put it back on the shelf. Sometimes, you have absolutely no idea what to get someone. A lot of people feel they have to, so they just get off easy and buy some shit product, comforting themselves with the idea, "it's the thought that counts." If everyone buys for themself what they want, we can be instantly gratified and have the happiest Christmas of our lives.

Note: Buy me good things for Christmas this year and I will too!

PS
-My hands have smelled like Formaldehyde for the last several hours because I haven't gained enough Caring Points to bother to get up and wash my hands.