I read a sign that said, "help make poverty history!" I'm in.

First, I will become a poverty stricken "dude." Next, I will do something that will make me mega famous, to put me above all the other poor chums. To do this, I will organize the world's first All-hobo Run-From-Guns Race. It will promote peace by teaching people to run instead of shoot back. This will eliminate crime from the hobo district. We'll gather all the hobos across all the states, and even people who look like hobos, and put them in Times Square. Next, we release a group of volunteers with guns who open fire upon them as the hobos attempt to run, in the very very congested area. The distance is yet to be determined, but I don't think they'll get very far--not when the volunteers have Turret guns and rocket launchers!

This is serious message for all the people who write "shower" for an away message, possibly with a wink or smile. If an away message says "shower," this roughly translates to: "I want you to picture me naked." It usually works, but stop trying to pull the "I'm innocent" look. You just want sex, give it a rest.

It's a fact that usually I think I'm pretty smart. I mean, my opinions always seem right, and who else can make all the right calls? But sometimes, I think I'm really dumb, borderline retarded. For example, I often get disoriented after class. I have a horrible sense of direction. I wander around and when I leave a building, I don't know where the next building is. If there are two directions, it's a fifty-fifty guess and there's nothing I can do except stop and think for a while. For this reason, I'm retarded. Then, there's times like yesterday, when I go to a class that doesn't exist until Thursdays. Class got out early, at 7:20, and I had a class at eight, so I waited until then, only to realize I didn't have a class on Tuesdays at eight. Then, there was the time when I went to my Statistics room for my Organic Chemistry test because I mixed them up. These events would damage my esteem, but I laugh at them. Also, one of my friends, who I consider to be the smartest kid I know in many ways, has moments like these too--stupid moments that level you down so that even clowns can make fun of you. If you find yourself being stupid, realize there's no excuse, because you're not me.

Here's a message to the foreign newspapers: if you aren't trying to hide something, then why aren't you printing it in English? -Steven Colbert

In Kansas they actually voted to allow Evolution to be challenged by "Intelligent Design" or Creationism in their schools. They can dress it up however they want to but it's still teaching religion in school. Let's add Kansas to the list of states to be bombed/returned. (First is Idaho)

"If Einstein is so smart, then how come he's dead?"

The following is somewhere on ebaumsworld:

"I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car."

Men are better than women because we can open all our own jars.

I read an article titled: "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks." I had to disagree. It's more of a meal.