Monday, February 27

For whoever doesn't know me, here are six things you should know about me:

1.)I live with my parents.
2.)I don't have a job or a car.
3.)I'm taking a semester off from school.
4.)I don't have a girlfriend.
5.)I crashed my dad's car recently.
6.)I'm gorgeous.

Well, to be fair, not everyone would use the word gorgeous, but when I ask, "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall..." the only face that appears is my own.

Talking to James yesterday, he remembered I don't have the connection to play Halo2 online. His response: "oh noo! You don't have Halo! What do you do!?" (He meant this concernedly, not sarcastically.) I said, "Without Halo, there's really only one thing to do: Prozac." He's like, "oh nooo. Really?" hahaha. No, it was a joke. But then I realized, yeah...given the above six reasons, I have good reasons to be depressed. But I'm neither depressed nor depressing to be around. I think everyone who knows me would say I'm fun to be around (especially your mom!). I think it's because I maintain my positive ora, listen to music, and frequently crack lame jokes that I laugh at. Something like: you know who's a real bitch? Lassie.

Sometimes I think the person that loves me most is my dog, but he doesn't even say it. Unless "ruff ruff!" means "I love you." But usually it just means, "let me in!" or "I'm hungry." My dog is pretty cool. He's a friendly, shiny, 7-year-old chocolate lab with a laziness that rivals my Aunt Helda's.

My dog never plays fetch, (neither does Aunt Helda). I forgot this yesterday, got him riled up with a tennis ball, then went outside and hucked it in the yard. My dog ran a couple feet then just watched as it sailed through the air. He looked at me. He looked back at the ball. I gave him lots of encouragement. "Come on! Come on, Cocoa! Get it! Get your ball! Get the ball, you bum!" So he decided to go over to the ball, started sniffing it. Then he took a dump right on the ball. It was really amazing. Then he came back and no amount of convincing him could get him to go back and get the tennis ball. He doesn't like things that bounce; he likes bones and things that are hard. If he was a person, he would be an unfunny version of Mario Cantone. That's okay. I'm content with my lazy-ass gay dog.

He doesn't really come when you call him. It takes lots of convincing...usually six or seven calls and promise of a reward. He's disobedient, but at least he practices civil disobedience. According to Gandhi and Martin Luther King, those are the best kinds of disobedience. At least he doesn't go around biting people viciously like Rot Wilers when you tell him to sit or play dead. When we tell him to play dead, usually he's already doing it. And when we tell him to sit, he's usually already sitting. I figure at least calling out what he's already doing makes him appear somewhat obedient.

In conclusion, I like dogs, flowers, and shiny things, and things that go, "boom!" Also, the best thing about car crashes is the feeling of excitement right before it happens. And the thing that makes raquetball better than tennis is that in tennis you don't get that feeling of claustrophobic euphoria. Also, since all my heroes like Mitch Hedberg keep dying, my new favorite hero is Shani Davis. If you saw his interview last week right after winning a gold medal, you'd know why (hint: he hates reporters).

The moral of the story: if you constantly overdose your dog with tranquilizers, he will be very lazy.

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If I knew where this was, I would never pee anywhere else.

3 Comments:

Blogger Kate undoubtedly said...

I want a dog!!! My parents' have a dog, Gus, but he lives with them so I only see him every four months or so...as often as I see my parents. But, he is very obedient and smart and effing cute. Seriously. I just crocheted him a sweater and I get to give it to him in May when I see him next!!! yay!

12:50 AM  
Anonymous JOE JOE THE MONKEY! undoubtedly said...

SUP NIGGA!

4:25 PM  
Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

Who the heck goes through life as "joe joe the monkey?" This is going to bug me because it could be so many people. If I had one weird friend, I could safely assign congrats, but I know too many crazy people. That's like something I'd do. Mad props, yo! I appreciate the "SUP NIGGA!" comments anytime.

8:10 PM  

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In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.