Thursday, March 30

I heard some reporter on the News Hour with Jim Lehrer complaining about Pirates over in Africa yesterday. Pirates make me really happy. These particular Pirates were stealing food from the Red Cross...hungry bastards. So I was thinking about Pirates, because that's what I do, and I realized the reason Pirates have beards is because shaving on a boat is dangerous! In fact, the earliest Pirates who tried to shave on ships probably killed themselves when a big wave hit the ship. As the path of surviving, non-shaving Pirates dichotomized from the dead, clean shaven ones, eventually only the beardedness prevailed. That is why Pirates have beards. I, on the other hand, have no such excuse.

I bring all this up because today, as I was walking through Wegmans, somebody mistook me for a Pirate. This mistake really made me step back from life and assess what went wrong. I think it was the eye patch. It might have been the wooden leg.

I'm trying to decide what I want to be for this Halloween when I go trick-or-treating. I figure it's best to take advantage of my non-huge build and pretend to be a child. With the help of a mask, it should be doubly easy, what with the manly man-beard hidden away. I know it may seem a little early to be thinking about Halloween seven months in advance, but Halloween is fantastic. You learn lessons about life like the importance of begging. And the importance of threats, 'cause hey, if they don't Treat, I'm going to Trick.

Good tricks are usually toilet papering, egging of property, slashing tires, and the all-powerful flaming bag-o'-poo. Human or dog poo works well, as long as there are clear indicators (like corn) that it was actually poo. Diarrhea works well too.

Since it's not suspicious-looking when you're wearing a mask, Halloween is my number one day for burglaries and crimes against humanity! (I like to practice Chinese Water torture on store clerks.) Halloween is basically the celebration of poverty(begging), starting with children from a very young age, right? People are just confused. Society praises Robin Hood for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, but hate the poor when they do it for themselves.

If you have any suggestions for my Halloween costume, I'll be taking them from now until October.



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In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.