Saturday, April 1

Today's topic is speed dating! *cheers*

No, I'm not talking about the the inevitable dating that occurs after a long night of hitting the pipe. Fun as that is, this is better. Speed dating is the process of meeting people rapidly. You pay a fee to enter a room chalk full of chairs. The girls circulate to the next chair when the timer goes off. Your amount of time is short, usually 4 minutes or less, to sell yourself and learn about them as well. What kinds of questions do you ask? Do you go for the things that are important to you? Or, do you go for a silly question looking for a laugh?

More and more, research is showing that first impressions all you need. This isn't cause for anxiety if you go to one of these. Quite the opposite. The scenario is so strange and silly, the environment is instead smiley and fun! While some dates (like blind dates)focus a lot of time on one person, speed dating focuses little time on lots of people. Before you get to know someone, it's time to switch to the next person! If your curiousity is picqued, you can look them up later; if not, they're gone before you know it. Speed dating parties can be found in every major city because statistics have shown it's better than watching Cartoon Network.

But you parry: "4 minutes? 4 minutes is not enough time to sell yourself. And who wants to sell themself, prostitutes aside?"

Maybe you think the idea of a four minute pitch is insane. You'd rather drink green tea and sing kumbaya with Bill O'Reilly than have streams of crazed singletons giving you four-minute pitches. If they want to just talk to you, ask three questions, or show you pictures of their pet python for four minutes, ok. But pitching is not a contact sport, nor is it suitable for "speed".

True. True. Many newcomers panic at the idea of selling themselves in so little time. How can you begin to let the potential investors understand your net worth? That is why I bring pamphlets.

Pamphlets are the best way to sell anything. Hands down. Except for hiring Chef Tony or Chuck Norris for an infomercial. But those are expensive. Pamplets are a cheap and easy alternative.

Many programs offer pamphlet-creating options(just it). Now all you need to do is highlite your best points. Be sure to use bullets (both star and triangle varieties) and pictures to illustrate your points. Pictures show how beautiful you are, and doctored photos with celebs always help. A well-made pamphlet gives you a professional-looking presentation. Be sure to bring extras to hand out to those interested. It's like a business card, but with lots of info on it. Either way, it's free--minus printing costs--advertising, and aids the presentation seven or eight fold (some research points to as much as nine-fold!!!)

Hear what people had to say about speed dating! (Quotes from

“Painless and not-creepy!” — Diane in Toronto
“It was so much fun - the people were really cool and NORMAL! — Barb in Schaumburg
“What a clever, non-threatening way to meet people. A blast!”— Lisa in Chicago

Here are some key conversation starters for your few minutes, if you attend a speed dating party. They're the questions you need the answers to.

1.)Are you that guy?

2.)Are you a liar?

3.)Can you handle a big woman? (would you want to?)

4.)Are you a sex-crazed lunatic? (why not?)

5.)Why did you sit there? Why don't you sit over there? (point to far-off location)

6.)Do you admit to having any children?

7.)How great is your hatred for trees?

8.)On a scale of 1-30, how anecdotal is your answering machine message?

9.)How often do you engage in car accidents?

10.)Do you play the piano, or any other forms of non-violence, on weekends?

11.)Are you so desperate that you have to come to these things on a weekly basis, only to find that nobody is meant for you and you're doomed for a life of miserable self-cooked meals?

12.)Does your husband/wife think you're grocery shopping like mine does?

13.)Are you living a life under false pretenses?

14.)When was the last time you did anything about the Joe Rogan situation?

15.)Are you a millionaire? and if not, please leave.

16.)Would you be offended if I told you you were unattractive and unworthy of my attention?

17.)Are you, like me, currently in violation of your parole for a crime you allegedly committed? Even if it was something as simple as armed robbery?

18.)You're that person from America's Most Wanted, aren't you? Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
Some non-questions to say when the timer begins:

1.)You're not Angolina Jolie. Next!

2.)I do not accept hand shakes. I only accept high fives.

3.)If there weren't so many Jews around here, I'd slap you.

4.)Guess my name and win a prize! (ensure your name tag is not your real name for added fun!)

5.)I think I'm in love with Interviewee #38....(Then have your eyes glaze off dreamily. Do not respond to any questions or comments offered by current subject for entire session)

Has anyone ever tried speed or dating? I am new to both. But in all honesty, I can tell you that I already tried speed dating and met someone, actually several someone's!! It was great and if you are a loser like I was, you should try it!! Speed dating is the best thing since home cooked bread and Oreos.

~peace, as always

note: this post was made on April Fool's Day. Any and all statements made here may be false.


Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

I don't get nearly the amount of comments I deserve. I blame the lack of pictures, which is the fault of the computer I'm on. It won't save pics in jpg or acceptable formats because it's retarded 16th century, Pre-American Revolution Microsoft garbage. I also blame the conservative media.

now why do I have to give word verification for my own site? this is junk.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Kate undoubtedly said...

um, ha. funny post? Is that what you want? This site SUCKS

4:48 PM  
Blogger Casey undoubtedly said...

No, YOU suck!! You're not a good judge anyway! Eat shit and die, kate!! ROAR!!

Actually, I agree. This site sucks more balls than Mr. Bucket. That's why the truth hurts so. :(
(I'm mega-sad. Way to wreck my self-esteem!)

Any suggestions? Things like, "be funnier" or "stop sucking" are not helpful.

10:28 PM  

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In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.