Saturday, December 10

How to make a barber mad and possibly get a free hair cut:

First, ask for the nicest barber. Say skill doesn't matter as long as they are a nice person, and that you'll wait until they are free.

Second, be very vague about your description of what you want. Say yes to however the barber suggests.

When getting your hair cut, don't look. Say that it'll ruin the surprise if you watch.

When it's all done and she says, "how's that?" open your eyes and go, "NO! omg what did you do!? Alright, just shave it off. I don't want to look at it anymore. I might as well have no hair at all." Convince her this is what you want.

When she takes the buzzer out and first shaves off a patch of hair, exclaim, "what are you doing? I was just kidding! You were really going to shave off my hair?"

By now she'll be angry or confused or baffled/exasperated. When she expresses herself, just say, "I'm just kidding, continue."

When you finally have no hair, act utterly disappointed. Say that you wouldn't have to look this way if she hadn't screwed it up so bad the first time. Also, say you're never coming back here again, and pay them while sticking out your tongue at the cashier. Then give them a hug and thank them very much.

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When I read something funny, at first I laugh. I may laugh hysterically or just moderately and briefly. Then I get depressed because I think: if there are people out there this funny, it makes me less funny by comparison, and I lose self-esteem.

Caitlin told me that I was not Maddox one time, and it was true. The trueness that was that statement awed me. In essence, things are only funny when said by certain people, people that seem like they would say it. Thus, when my friend Nick has very low standards about women and his catch phrase is, "I'd do her," it's funny. Or when someone is very proud of himself and exploits it...likewise. I need to find what I'm good at and push it.

Sometimes I look at my tummy and question it. Like, "how do you stay so tone when I don't do anything to you?" It must be my only good gene. Based on my current exercise regime, I should be fat or at least have a beer belly. Maybe I need to drink more beer.

A very relaxing day for me is one where I listen to music all day. I love the songs on the montages at halopro.com. I have 7.25 gigs worth of them on my computer, and that's after I deleted the unworthy ones. Montages combine the two things I love most in life: halo and music. I think that's why I love to watch them. And they're funny.

Roommate A is doing his homework problems on a paper towel roll. He seriously just rolls it down to move on and it extends on down to the floor. I told him he's stupid but he still feels justified. Then again, he cooks all his meals himself. And by cooks, I mean microwaves. Sometimes he tries to juggle his soccer ball inside our small room and of course it hits stuff like lamps and my computer and me. Sometimes I uppercut him. It all works out in the end.

I sleep at really odd hours. Sometimes I am concious when my roommates talk. Roommate C always talks on the phone with his drug buddies and tells stories about his previous night partying. That is how I learn about him: in my sleep. He does about a million drugs. I tried to count them one time but I got high off his clothes that smell like marajuana and lost count. He deals marajuana successfully right from our room, so we get the sketchiest looking, puffy coat wearing white boys to hit the Buffalo streets in here. And even though he's so sketchy and speaks like a ghettoed-out retard, he still fixes time to write papers and study for hours on aderol. I'm impressed.

I used to have a kid in my English class who had all these worthless but interesting facts in his head bursting daily into our classroom air. He had long hair, a huge (note: HUGE) beard, radical ideas, a really low voice, a humorous take on life and he was very intelligent. This would have made him cool, except he also had long fingernails (I noticed one day as he was gesturing with his hands). One day I sat nearby him by accident and discovered he smelled bad too. That's two strikes, "you're out!" Anyway, one day one of his worthless stats was that people are something like 90% more likely to laugh when in the company of others. It makes sense because we laugh at what is odd and striking to our expectations so if we're only getting ideas from our head they are what we're used to hearing. I think I am an exception to this rule. I laugh by myself wayyy more than most people. I kind of weird myself out when I analyze it. I am blessed in that I recall funny things easily. Also, I'm easily amused, so that helps. I think I appreciate the things my "self" thinks of more than most.

In sum, I am happy to be me sometimes. Yayyyy!!

2 Comments:

Blogger neilsucks undoubtedly said...

thanks dude. i like to pretend i'm a pretty humble guy, but the truth is i get totally hard when people like my humour. you've got some rad shit going down here too..

your horoscope: steer clear of puddles this holiday season

word.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Kate undoubtedly said...

I always laugh by myself. Or, I laugh in public at something I am thinking about and no one else knows. Odd and creepy? Yes.

11:17 PM  

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In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.