Thursday, April 20

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Wednesday, April 19

Small Thoughts

-I don't have enough panda blood in me.

this is what panda blood looks like:

-my dog is old

-I'm going to Vermont tomorrow to see Neal and Caitlin on my bike. I should probably look up directions. Or pack something.

-I don't have HIV because I'm genetically superior to Africans.

-I am a coward. Like the dog, Courage. But I am not a cartoon. Or a dog.

-I hate Snoop Dogg. Eminem and Ludacris is where it's at. Also, Dr. Dre.

-Children's songs make a great addition to any music compilation. I have a playlist that it is physically impossible to listen to without laughing. I created it and I think it shows what I'm all about. I love it!

-Some children's show characters--like Elmo, Barney, and the teletubbies--stir up much more hatred than joy. Others, like Big Bird or Cookie monster, are all about pure joy.

-Today, I was a lumberjack. I sang myself a lumberjack tune I made up. It goes like this:

I am a lumberjack!
Hear me roar!
Chop Chop Chop!
Chop to the floor!
Split you bastard
do what I say!
I chop this wood till I'm old
or gray!

Lumberjacks! Lumberjacks!
with pancakes for breakfast
Everyone likes a lumberjack!
and pancakes for lunch!

Roar Roar Roar!
Lumberjack power!
I've been splitting wood
For over an hour!

Fuck this shit
this wood is dumb!
Where's my oxen
when you need 'em?

-Muscles beat out fiestiness any day of the week.

-Except Thursdays.

-I want to build myself a Wheel of Adjectives. When I get an apartment, I will hang it on my wall. It will include words like: super, awesome, extreme, mega-sick, ultra-cool, fabulous, fantastic, supreme, orgasmic, and dumb.

-Kazoos suck.

-I'm always in search of food. Foodstores are my hidden enemy.

-A boolay boolay boolay!!!!

-I enjoy the Dunkin Donuts commercial that insinuates donuts promote hard work and better efficiency. Because clearly, they do the opposite. If I was a donut, that's what I'd do.

-I also saw Scrubs and Teachers today. They fit my style and I enjoy them greatly.

-My family is strange but still boring. If I didn't have to know them, I would choose not to. Also, all my cousins are 5-10 years older than me, and the only one younger is 9 years younger. Also, all of my cousins are female, my aunts are way too talky, and my uncles are too serious. Consequently, the people they associate with also suck. I bring this up because I was forcibly attending a "Lilac Party" today. Yes. It was called that. There wasn't a face in the room that didn't need a good uppercutting. The food was good though.

-PT-141, "For the couple who has been together a long time and has just let sex fall by the wayside as a natural consequence of the stresses of life, this could be a good way to get it back in the relationship," he said. I think inhaling your sex drive is a good step towards the roboticizing of humans. Hooray for robots!

-Seriously, what the hell. If they come out with a product to fix every genetic fallibility of humans, how am I supposed to stay superior? Anti-aging creams, hairloss products, hair dyes, Viagra, Valtrex...the list goes on. Pretty soon, diseased, balding old people will be as good at sex as ME and I cannot let this happen!

-I should go to bed.

Sunday, April 16

This is my favorite theorem.

I have another message for all you mothers out there:

Lastly, I would have to say I am an acceptable drunk. I mean, drunks usually are not as easy to deal with as normal, fully-conscious adults are, but I think the amount of joy I brought to others surpassed the negativity.

Joy I brought to others-
-dancing by myself
-falling off the trampoline/inability to get back up
-stupid comments I said
-remembering names of others
-setting gummy worms on fire/eating them
-I remember a couple occasions where people around me collapsed from laughter and I'm pretty sure I was responsible...I just don't know what I did.

Negativity I brought upon others-
-throwing banana peppers at random people who didn't know me
-demanding money from some girl I didn't know because she didn't know my name
-apparently I was repetitive in my conversation material to Brian
-knocking over cups in Beer pong?? (I have no memory of this)

Acceptable Behavior-
-peeing in the appropriate receptacle instead of in wastepaper baskets
-not whipping out my cock and running around with it
-not driving
-not starting fights
-not harassing/"hitting on" the pretty girls...or any girls for that matter. Flirting is a delicate and ancient art which should be designated for only sober, coherent, skillful people. Or the good-looking.

Honestly, I was doing alright for most of the night. I could walk, talk, go undefeated in ping pong, win at video games, foosball, say witty things and generally stay in control of my actions. That's when Mr. Boston (aka the 100 proof death liquid) entered my life. I recall several, or possibly all, people saying it was a bad idea to finish it. I think I was the ONLY one who thought it was a good idea to finish it. So I did. It was awful and terrible and there was a lot. Needless to say, after this my night became a haze until I eventually woke up with the thought, "I don't remember going to sleep!?"

Anyway, I don't mean to condone drinking, but seriously...what does anyone need TWO kidneys for? Really. One brain is stomach, one heart, one liver. I mean, what if we had two of everything? What if I had TWO penises? You see what I mean? It's unnecessary. Not necessarily worthless...but it's not required to live.

Getting hopelessly gone is about risk-taking. It's about being able to make a complete ass of yourself in front of your friends and total strangers as well. Many people are not prepared to take that risk, so they drink only moderately if at all. We all want to be a little cautious. Noone wants to wake up hearing stories of how you peed on the dog while giggling or how you punched a drunk girl in the face because she was making fun of your beard, but that's a risk I'm prepared to take. In the middle of the night I recall kicking--what turned out to be--Hillary in the chest out of confusion. I thought it was just a mass of blankets and I was cold and wanted a blanket, but when it groaned I realized there must be a person there so I did not get the blanket.

There's obviously an embarrassment factor and the risk of being a jerk or annoying, but throughout the night there was a group of people surrounding me (by choice) wherever I went, so I think that is testament alone that I wasn't too bad. And when the following morning, as people start waking up and I sit quietly eating my Dirty Rice Mix, most of the conversation revolves around things you allegedly did...coupled with laughter...I'd say that's a good thing.

I've yet to figure out why I never get a hangover or throw up, because I've definitely had plenty more than I should be able to handle. I think it's genetics. More and more, I'm getting the feeling that my parents were once totally crazy alcoholics in college, and as their tolerance went up, a super durable set of genetics for kidneys was developed which I later inherited (through the process of reproduction). I hope this is the case. The other possibility is that I am Superman. That would SUCK because once people found out, they would be slipping kryptonite in my drinks as a practical joke, and I would later die. KRYPTONITE DEATHS ARE THE WORST!!!

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.