Friday, November 18

When was the last time you got a Christmas present? Last year? I want presents every day, but I don't get them. Come Christmas time, there's a lot of things I won't be getting also: an Xbox 360, a Mercedes, and an Egyptian slave just to name a few. Instead, I'll be getting a lot of crap that I don't want. I'll get some socks, some lame toy from Toy Works, some cards without money, some soap, and a day with my family. On top of that, I'll have had to spend a bunch of my money and time to buy other people stuff, probably stuff better than they're getting me, and there's no way of knowing. I don't want to spend more on them than they spent on me; I want to spend an equal amount, but there's no way of knowing the amount because I don't know what I'm getting because I have to WAIT as if it's a surprise. It's not a surprise; I know I'm getting gifts on December 25th. It would be a surprise if I didn't get gifts, and a surprise for all my relatives if they didn't get gifts, either.

I propose that instead of spending money on other people, buying useless crap they don't want, you spend money on yourself on something you do want. That way, useless crap-making companies don't make the huge sales they rely on during the Holidays, and they don't get to gloat over what a great company they are. Don't rob all the companies that make legit cool products Joe and his mom could use by buying something shitty that they have to pretend to like. Instead, guarantee that you get exactly what you want, without feeling like a jackass by having to tell someone else you want it. You're basically saying, "Hey, go buy this for me." If you buy it yourself, you don't have to wait around weeks or months or however long it is until this day for Christians (even though many/most of us celebrating aren't Christian) arrives. "Santa," like so much of your belief system, doesn't exist. Even the most hardcore believers can't refute that one. Oh, if you're a child, don't read the previous two sentences.

This guy doesn't even exist. Good job marketing schemes. You rock.

The only honest benefit Christmas brings us is the guarantee of vacation from our worthless jobs and school. Children get to roam the street during the coldest time of the year, catching colds and bringing them into your house to share (in the Christmas spirit...w00t!). If everyone buys themselves the gifts they want, we'll all have exactly what we want with no disappointments. If you don't get the gift you wanted, you'll know ahead of time--none of this get depressed on Christmas bull-donkey. Christmas is supposed to be a happy occasion!

People argue that the anticipation of getting makes the gift worth the wait. Garbage. Nobody likes to wait. For anything. When was the last time you enjoyed waiting in line for something? No store ownder has ever put out an advertisement, "You can't take it home today! You've gotta wait for about a week!" without suffering some serious mental/economical problems. It's not a convenience to have to wait, and nobody likes being inconvenienced. When was the last time you went to buy something you needed, and the "out of stock" sign lit up your face with joy? Are you getting the message or do I have to wait for it to sink in? For those of you who can't read fast, I'll try writing slower.

It's not that I dislike Christmas--I love it, but I think we should be allowed to buy ourselves gifts we want. Go ahead and buy other people presents too if you want--I don't care, but if you don't want to wait and then possibly not get the proper noun you saw in an advertisement, I don't see what's wrong with a little self-indulgence. The two weeks following Christmas have the greatest number of returns than any other time of the year, meaning Average Jane and Joe wasted time buying something useless, wrapping it, and then wasted the recipient's time by having to return it, and the store workers' time having put it back on the shelf. Sometimes, you have absolutely no idea what to get someone. A lot of people feel they have to, so they just get off easy and buy some shit product, comforting themselves with the idea, "it's the thought that counts." If everyone buys for themself what they want, we can be instantly gratified and have the happiest Christmas of our lives.

Note: Buy me good things for Christmas this year and I will too!

-My hands have smelled like Formaldehyde for the last several hours because I haven't gained enough Caring Points to bother to get up and wash my hands.

Thursday, November 17

I read a sign that said, "help make poverty history!" I'm in.

First, I will become a poverty stricken "dude." Next, I will do something that will make me mega famous, to put me above all the other poor chums. To do this, I will organize the world's first All-hobo Run-From-Guns Race. It will promote peace by teaching people to run instead of shoot back. This will eliminate crime from the hobo district. We'll gather all the hobos across all the states, and even people who look like hobos, and put them in Times Square. Next, we release a group of volunteers with guns who open fire upon them as the hobos attempt to run, in the very very congested area. The distance is yet to be determined, but I don't think they'll get very far--not when the volunteers have Turret guns and rocket launchers!

This is serious message for all the people who write "shower" for an away message, possibly with a wink or smile. If an away message says "shower," this roughly translates to: "I want you to picture me naked." It usually works, but stop trying to pull the "I'm innocent" look. You just want sex, give it a rest.

It's a fact that usually I think I'm pretty smart. I mean, my opinions always seem right, and who else can make all the right calls? But sometimes, I think I'm really dumb, borderline retarded. For example, I often get disoriented after class. I have a horrible sense of direction. I wander around and when I leave a building, I don't know where the next building is. If there are two directions, it's a fifty-fifty guess and there's nothing I can do except stop and think for a while. For this reason, I'm retarded. Then, there's times like yesterday, when I go to a class that doesn't exist until Thursdays. Class got out early, at 7:20, and I had a class at eight, so I waited until then, only to realize I didn't have a class on Tuesdays at eight. Then, there was the time when I went to my Statistics room for my Organic Chemistry test because I mixed them up. These events would damage my esteem, but I laugh at them. Also, one of my friends, who I consider to be the smartest kid I know in many ways, has moments like these too--stupid moments that level you down so that even clowns can make fun of you. If you find yourself being stupid, realize there's no excuse, because you're not me.

Here's a message to the foreign newspapers: if you aren't trying to hide something, then why aren't you printing it in English? -Steven Colbert

In Kansas they actually voted to allow Evolution to be challenged by "Intelligent Design" or Creationism in their schools. They can dress it up however they want to but it's still teaching religion in school. Let's add Kansas to the list of states to be bombed/returned. (First is Idaho)

"If Einstein is so smart, then how come he's dead?"

The following is somewhere on ebaumsworld:

"I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car."

Men are better than women because we can open all our own jars.

I read an article titled: "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks." I had to disagree. It's more of a meal.

Wednesday, November 16

Fuck Facebook:

Facebook was a trend that caught on because it gave people an easy way to stalk people they've lost contact with. Sure, maybe it's helpful for a couple people out there, but for the vast majority, its addictiveness has led its way into the evil gates of hell. I had to stop checking out facebook because I caught myself looking at the info of people I've never seen. This goes too far. We have Instant Messenger and Cell Phones, home phone numbers, email...isn't this enough!?
Another thing, messages on "The Wall" are a large waste. They never have anything of value to say. It's always some comment about their picture, or about how they love you (I didn't get any of those), or how they miss you, or about some event they shared in the past. If you haven't seen a Wall comment yet, basically, they're like this:

"A big HELLO from Long Island! :-P Oh and nice pic...should I even comment?? *Wink* I miss my C-town buddies!!! This summer was incredibly fun despite my uhm illness. Yeah - thanx 4 bearing w/ me lol! I'm still alive!! Take care n be good - don't do anything I wouldn't do! Ha ha ha funny right? *Mwah*"

Not funny. Reading posts like this make me want to bleed. I feel nauceous and have to go lie down for a while. Seriously, if you've ever found yourself posting something like this, go kill yourself. And if you post something like that on my wall, I'm going to kill you myself.
Something else I'm opposed to are the "Personal Info" categories. Since when is "favorite movies, favorite books, and favorite quotes" worth viewing? Nobody cares what movies or books you list as liking. Don't stress over remembering whether Dodgeball or Punch Drunk Love is better, and whether it belongs on your list of favorites. The idea these creators have that listing your favorite of anything is any indicator as to what kind of person they are, or that anybody cares, is frankly the dumbest thing to ever hit the internet. If you were talking about yourself, you would not describe what your favorite book or movie is, so it does NOT need a separate category to say it! Type about yourself and share what you want, but please leave out inane opinions about which Movie/Book/Quote you like better. This isn't exclusive only to facebook, but to Myspace and other trendy "talk about yourself" sites. If it isn't entertaining, please...LEAVE IT OUT!

Like any computer would on a Monday evening, I was scanning the internet and came across a series of questions like: "McDonalds or Burger King?" "Sunshine or Rain?" "Lights on or Off?". I read this survey someone had actually filled out and was speechless they had taken the time to do it. Even though they are one word answers, they are one word answers to the STUPIDEST QUESTIONS EVER DEVISED!!! FUCK! SHIT! @#%$!! GOD DAMNIT. This makes me so pissed I could punch a hole through a Vietnam Vet* and not feel any pain. There were literally over fifty questions like this, so pointless even my 9th grade Spanish class was like, "SHIT!"
The horror of the matter is, there are literally millions of people out there who have taken this quiz on Myspace, and millions who have read the answers to this quiz on other people's pages. One could toss in the argument that "Who cares? They're stupid," and while I support the argument that they are stupid, I must have this call defenestrated by saying, "it's not about how stupid they are, it's that I witnessed their stupidity and can't get it back out of my head." Is there no end? When it ends, please tell me, so I can safely scan the internet in peace once again. It is my dream to have them abolished. Like George Carlin says, "if you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." LOL!!

*Nothing against them personally. At least they're not MTV watching, trendy clothes wearing, "lol/*wink*" talking, cell phone giggling, relationship obsessed bitches.

Tuesday, November 15

Sometimes I wonder what I was dreaming about, and so begins this tale. It may help if you read it in George Carlin's voice.

I was dreaming I was at a comedian performance and I was reading the jokes. I was there for a while, and I recall saying the jokes, I just don't remember what the jokes were. WTF! There were dozens of them. I know they were funny, because I was laughing in my dream and so were all the people in the audience. Then I wake up in the real world and I can't remember what they were. Was it stuff I already know? Or, maybe in this twisted dreamland, it wasn't funny at all. It was just something odd and I somehow thought it was funny. Something like: "you ever remember tomatoes? They're red!" and that would be the joke. It wouldn't pass as a joke in the real world, but in Dreamville, hey, it was good enough to sell out a concert hall.

We twist stuff all the time in our sleep. We've all experienced it when someone's calling our name to wake up, so suddenly someone in our dream appears and they're talking to us. We don't doubt for a moment that our dream is fake; it all makes sense. Only in our dreams can we shift from fighting other people's parents in the streets to running in a field talking to a dog and think it's real.

And what about recurring dreams? I used to have this dream where I was being chased by a Giant through a forest on my property, and then I'd end up suddenly falling off a cliff before I'd wake up. I don't know what the significance of it was, but I'm thinking it was a warning not to run from Giants, but to talk to them and ask them what their deal is.

And have you ever noticed how you never die in your dreams? Like, I'd be falling off a cliff, and I'd wake up before I hit the ground. Why not just keep dreaming? I could hit the ground and bounce back up to uppercut the giant then morph it into a puppy. Hey, it's just a thought. It seems like I should be able to control what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it, since it's all in my head anyway. Instead, despite creating ridiculously crazy (not just crazy) scenarios that would only exist in a dream, I still have to follow rules like: I can't die, and I can't gain super powers to solve my problems. Unless of course, it IS one of those dreams where I start out having super powers, but I won't delve into that for now.

The point is: I'm thinking it, I'm creating those scenarios, so why can't I remember it? I'll wake up and totally forget what just consumed the last four hours of my life in REM sleep, let alone the last five minutes of it.

The best dreams are the exceptions, the ones that somehow, you realize it's a dream, while you're dreaming, so you do whatever you want. Stuff you'd never do in real life, because you KNOW, absolutely, that none of this is real. I was at a millionaire's Ball one time (in a dream) and I realized it was such, so I walked around telling people their life was pointless because they weren't real (what a buzz kill!) Then, I flipped over some tables and started a food fight. I probably punched some people in the face just because I could, stole a car and went driving as fast as possible wherever I wanted. And yet, despite all this, I still couldn't fly, I couldn't turn some person I was talking to into Jessica Alba and make out with her, and I couldn't grow into Godzilla and stomp people. I know this because I thought it out in said dream and tried. So, even in the best scenario, when I realize it's all a dream, I'm still contained by the "rules" of the dream. Fuck that. My dreams, though usually cool, need to realize they're not tough, relax, and let me make the calls.

Sunday, November 13

I've been thinking lately about who would be in the ultimate battle, representing all sorts of comics and powers. Mario's just a little bitch, so he's out. Samus can just roll into her little ball and hide, and Captain America's shield won't help him when this shit goes down. I'm talking badass characters. Wolverine is in, because he's got a bad attitude, and Yoshi is the only dinosaur, so he's gotta represent the past. Some jedi has to use the force an' tear shit up with his light saber, so I nominate Darth Vader. Superman is in, because he's got bulletproof abs of steel and he can fly, look through girl's clothing and do basically anything anybody ever thought was cool. Goku as a Supersaen would probably kick everybody's ass with a gigantic explosion though. I'm also putting in Gandalf the Grey, just so he can get his ass handed to him, like in that Tower. Storm had better stick to predicting the weather, and Pikachu can stay in his Pokeball for all I care. I'm also nominating Rick James cause he's a superfreak, and I want this fight to be jammin'. The Incredible Hulk doesn't really have any coolness except when he's pissed, so he's not even in this league. James Bond merely has a tagline of him saying his name, but Batman definitely makes the cut because he paid me a bunch of money. Harry Potter can fight so we can put an end to all his foolish antics and all the hype. I'm going to insert Jessica Alba/Invisible Girl/Dark Angel because she's awesome and I like her for her personality. She wouldn't win, but she could walk around all invisible and bitch slap people from time to time. Then, I'd put in a ninja to stomp everyone's face in with crazy assassinations. Did I leave anyone out?

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.