I'm like the opposite of the American busyman. People who walk fast and wear watches, have day planners and pencil in events for the future...to these people I say, "Woah." I play video games all day, sleep when I want to, and suck at tests. On this last test, there were four multiple choice questions I narrowed down to two (so I had a 50-50 chance), and I missed all of them. Grr. I'm recently battling between whether to write whatever I feel like on here, or whether to just stick to stuff other humans would enjoy. The difference is: if I write minute differences in my life, it's satisfying; if I don't, it's satisfying to the audience. Basically, I'm deciding who's more important--me or you, and I'm not sure.

So, here's a true story about how I bummed out some guy:

I got a message on my cell saying, "Dude, why the hell won't you pick up? I'm gunna call you one more time and you'd better pick up."--I did not recognize the voice, but it was really low (like Barry White, or Darth Vader)

About an hour later I got a call again.

guy: "hey, what's up."
me: "do I know you?"
guy: "yeah, I met you last night at Taco Bell."
me: "umm, no. That wasn't me."
guy: "What? So you're not the guy from the truck?"
me: "Nope"
guy: "That fucker must've given me the wrong number.... So you don't have any acid?"
me: "not for sale."
guy: "lick my nuts, asshole."--click

and a week ago I got a message on my cell like this:

"Hey Steve! It's your cousin Phil, just callin to wish you a happy 18th. I know you thought I was gunna forget to call you but I remembered and here's my proof! ....[bla bla bla]"
-For a moment, I thought I was Steve, and I was happy it was my Birthday. Then I figured it out. Then, I laughed at how Steve did not get his Happy Birthday from Phil.


-----------Randomness
-----------Randomness

Something many people don't take into account that humans and monkeys both share is that we both flang poo when we were babies.

From now on, if something is bad, it's like pouring syrup on a cat.
And the cat would deserve it. Fuck cats. They think they're so frickin' great. They don't even enjoy a good swim OR playing teeter totter with me when I jump on the teeter totter.

A beard is nothing but a mask that you wear ALL THE TIME.

Bring back 80's Haircuts!! and colorful clothing and sweaters!!

The monster under my bed doesn't get to visit the doctor.

"Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule."-Maddox

The following are good or good/amazing:
Drawn Together, South Park, Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Simpsons, Futurama, standup comedy
-I propose that if I had seven TVs and each show was on a different TV at the same time, my head would explode with anger

The following Websites consume/have consumed my soul:
-thebestpageintheuniverse
-homestarrunner
-redvsblue
-8bit theater
-RealUltimatePower
-TshirtHell (the emails)

This article is called COPY AND PASTE stories from realultimatepower because I'm lame and they're my favorites. I'd send the address, but it just sends you to the homepage and you have to navigate until your eyes bleed black and crimson, and I don't think you'd want that.

"In some cave chalk full of hippos, there was this ninja. All the hippos gathered for a story. The ninja began with a warning: "If any hippo here cannot handle this type of crap, I suggest you leave right now." And some actually did. Then he began.

"All right listen. These old children were just goofing around once in a playground: sports and talking and stuff. Nobody wanted any trouble, even the unconfident kids. Well, there was this crackle and everybody looked up. Something shiny. Then this UFO flopped on the soccer field. One kid was like "What the heck?" And then its side door busted open and fog creamed out. The principle freaked out and tripped, spilling his guts on a table. Nobody knew anything about anything. Then there was this rolling sound getting louder and louder and quieter and finally louder. Out of the UFO, popped this giant can. It rolled past the soccer field and hit a pole. By the time they realized it was a keg of beer, the UFO zapped into space. Well guess what, somebody brought a radio and turned it on loud. Then one kid grabbed Dixie cups from her duffle bag. Everybody went berserk in a good way and partied hard. Little was understood that day, but, boy, did those kids party."

The ninja, having scared himself, beat his own ass in a paradoxical way. It was quite confusing for the hippos. But they were mature--they didn’t try to make sense out of non-sense. The hippos moved on, accepting those things they cannot change and surrounded themselves with only positive energy. By not defining what happened that day (or even themselves--their relation to it), they never limited their understanding and they never limited themselves."

And this one's just crazy:

"The King's Gold/Babes

Scene 1:
In the olden days, there was this sweet king that had mounds of gold and babes. These pirates decided to steal the mounds and surrounded the castle and everybody freaked, except the king who was like “Chill homies, I’ll handle this crap.”

The pirates stood outside the castle walls and were like “You think you are so cool, but guess what, you’re not. Good luck dying!” Then the king replied “Yeah right. How would you like to meet my best friends?”

Then out of nowhere there was a small sound of a guitar wailing really really hard behind the hills. The wailing started getting louder and louder and louder. Then out of nowhere there was this one sweet ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody was like “Woooooooooooow!” He was wearing all black and he had this jet red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smoked over the hills like trains. But the smoke was ninjas. And the pirates saw about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they started to wail…

When the ninjas wailed on their guitars, the pirates started spraying diarrhea on each other and loved it. And when they wailed harder, the pirates sprayed harder. As the ninjas sauntered down the hill, the pirates’ chests and butts exploded. (They died from this.) Then the ninjas finally reached the boss pirate who was really huge. Out of nowhere the boss pirate pulled out this baby banjo and tried to fiddle with it like a little baby-baby. The ninjas were like “Yeah right.” and all the billions of ninjas surrounded the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combined to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half formed the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar pointed right at the pirate, who was like “Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” Before the pirate could even do anything, the super boner slapped against the guitar making the hugest wail ever to happen anywhere ever. The pirate exploded so hard that every single one of his kids he would have had exploded and all of his grandparents exploded along with his neighbors and people who he merely said “hello” to.

Then there was this huge concert at the castle. All the babes in the castle morphed into this humongous female crotch. The huge boner and crotch porked softly, while slamming into the guitar and wailing. And guess what, the king sat on top of this huge pile of gold and babes and laughed his frigg’n ass off about how stupid the pirates were.

END

-this script is so hot it could make Janet Reno open up a paint can with her ding dong."

Squids are the ULTIMATE Ninja creature. They are fast, with burst speeds up to 15 m/s, which is one of the fastest in the ocean, at an acceleration of twenty-five times gravity. Also, it can change color to hide! Not just in one place, like on the tentacles, but ALL OVER!! Tell me that isn't like a Ninja in a tree. On top of that, their mode of travel is JET PROPULSION. Traveling by jet propulsion speaks for itself in terms of coolness. Finally, squids can release a CLOUD OF INK behind them to confuse pursuers!! Just like a Ninja smoke bomb! They also have unblinking eyes, just like a Ninja. AND, when they get ahold of you, there is NO ESCAPE!! When you are fighting a Ninja, their arms go in a whirl of swordplay. Squids have EIGHT arms, and TWO TENTACLES!! I can't IMAGINE fighting that off! If you gave him swords, a squid would be UNSTOPPABLE. He watches, unblinking, hidden, then suddenly appears! Arms and tentacles are EVERYWHERE, and he can kidnap his hostage with deathly suction cup grips. A blink of an eye later, and he is gone, the only remainder is the black cloud of confusion, and the destruction he wrought is the only memory he was ever there.

[Flying Squid could own anyone!!]

Enter Ninja Rant: More Facts about Ninjas than Beans in your TUB!!

Some of you may be wondering, "what do you mean by Ninja?" A Ninja (note the capitalization; sometimes referred to as a "Full-Blood Ninja") could almost be considered a separate human subspecies. Regular people can becomes ninjas by practicing ninjutsu, but a Ninja is automatically born with the capacity to excell at the art. Ninjas are born from other Ninjas, and endowed with specific abilities through heredity. A Ninja is faster, stronger, and more agile than a regular person by a factor of three or more (more if they work at it, less if they don't). Ninjas have the natural ability to make themselves disappear into dark enough shadows, although the ability to teleport is an unconfirmed legend even among Ninjas. I think I saw a Ninja fly once, but I'm not sure if I actually saw it or if it was my imagination. It's also a well known fact that Ninjas flip out ALL the time. Ninjas don't kill themselves, only other people (suicide is for Samurais). When a fight is over, the Ninja will never shake your hand, because Ninja's never lose, and ALWAYS fight to the death if they want to. Ninjas are way tougher, faster, and sneakier than regular people. They are shadows in the wind, and that creak you heard wasn't a Ninja, because they're quieter than that. They're also more tenacious than regular humans. It's a fact that Ninjas can't be beaten by mortals, except when pitted against other Ninjas. Sometimes they like to throw Ninja stars and miss, just to see the reaction on people's faces! Ninjas are sooo cool, I could talk about them all day AND crap my pants. If a Ninja wants to humor you, he will talk like a pirate while killing you. Ninjas think Pirates arrr a joke. They're also crazy good with poison darts and bloguns. They spend most of their time training at hidden places that nobody knows about except other Ninjas. They are usually serious and very wise, but you can't let your guard down because they have a quick temper and won't hesitate to kill a non-Ninja. This is a Ninja----> Back to Squids:
I love squids SO MUCH, I just don't want to give one a hug. All those tentacles would gross me out and it would suck. It also might try to stuff me in its food hole.

Squids are frickin' amazing. Most are less than eight inches (compare that to your part!), but Giant Squid have been found at 18m in length(59ft-don't compare that to your part or you may lose confidence) and weigh 1,980lbs!!! They live mostly at depths of 200-700 meters, and scientists don't even know where they live in the sea. One has never been seen live in its habitat.

This is a Squid that got SUPER PISSED and attacked some villagers.

Travel down to 1000m and you'll find a different kind of squid 7ft long and up to 134lbs, the Taningia danae. This creature has the largest light emitting organs of any animal for defense. In the deep sea, that is killer blinding, believe me: I was trying to capture one. They are also very intelligent creatures, compared to the fish and whatever else is around. They're like Einsteins sitting around a bunch of rednecks, so they chill together and make fun of everyone, giving tentacular high fives after a funny joke.

some of the facts are from:
A.) seawifs.gsfc.nasa.gov/OCEAN_PLANET/HTML/squid_opening.html

B.) my Evolutionary Biology Lab notebook

C.) my imagination

also, the intro to Ninja rant was from Squid Ninja comics

I tell this bedtime tale in response to Keith's request, following his guidelines. Enjoy!

Okay. So here's how it all went down, right? In the begining, there was a special young boy named Harry Gay. Harry's parents were gardeners, and his favorite task was putting the plants in pots. When he turned 18 years, he gave up his last name, because he never liked it very much, and changed it to Potter. Harry went to the Hogwarts School of Magic/Wizardry up until then, and he had become the most powerful wizard around. He could snap his wand and fight off ghosts, or ride the fastest broom around. One or the other.

One day, the Power Rangers were putting on a show in his town. He had always watched the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, the TV show, and admired how they fought off aliens and evil robots, by transforming into an even BIGGER robot. He also liked the pink power ranger. So, he bought tickets to go see their tour and hopefully get a chance to meet his TV heroes. He took his Victoria Secret model girlfriend, Whoreminee, with him. He had known her since his boyhood days, but now she was finally legal and had turned out mega awesome, much to his delight. Now you can go to Reuters or CNN.com and read an article about how Harry Potter is supposedly a gay character, but really he just told his parents that so they wouldn't suspect anything, so he could take her wherever he chose.

So, Harry and Whoreminee were awestruck when the performance began. The Power Rangers kicked ASS!! They were so much better to see live than on TV. When I mean it was live, I mean, they were still filming the show, and the monsters showed up and there was destruction on a massive scale. Buildings were flattened, the crowd had to play the part of frightened people fleeing from certain death and so on. However, this particular demon could fly and it had teamed up with ghosts! The show got out of control and the massive robot the Power Rangers morphed into couldn't fight the ghosts, because it was in a different plane and it was all magical. Mechanical destruction can't touch magical. Soon, the crowd realized what was going on. Whore said, "Harry! They need your help!" So he busted out a wand, said "abra cadabra" and banished the evil ghosts to the nearest Pearl Jam concert.

The crowd was super happy that the ghosts were gone, but because it had gotten out of control, most of them had died. Really, the only people left were the manager of the Rangers, some cameramen, Harry, Whore, and the Rangers themselves.

The Rangers went to congratulate Harry on saving the day, and he bowed, had his picture taken with them and left.

Harry was driving back home for his curfew, when Whore busted out a fat ounce of weed and said in her irresistable voice, "let's smoke it!" like she always did. So he responsibly pulled over the car and they began smoking the grass. It was really powerful stuff. After a while, Whore got the great idea to turn a piece of Dentyne Ice she was chewing into acid. Harry reached for his wand and it was gone! The Power Rangers must have stolen it!

Harry was fuming! Without his wand, he couldn't do anything fun! He dropped his bitch off, sayin, "I don't want to get you hurt, my love" and drove back to the Power Rangers' trailer. He walked in while they were ganging up on the Pink Cheerleader, I mean Power Ranger.

"I know what you did! Give it back!"

They tried to play dumb. "What wand? We didn't take your wand!" But it wasn't working. Harry was used to being bullied. He grabbed a pencil as a makeshift wand, and began charging up for a Hadoken Blast.

Just then, the Pink Power Ranger changed the channel to Barney and Friends. It was no coincidence that Barney was on, because it was the Barney channel, nothing but Barney all the time. Harry was immediately distracted. He put down his pencil and sat Indian style on the ground in front of the tube, shut off from conciousness. That's when the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers put two and two together and realized Barney was his weakness.

Harry soon got the munchies and wandered down to the store. After eating his fill, he remembered his wand had been taken, and stormed back. In a fury, he put the pedal to the floor, intent on driving his Mercedes through the Rangers' trailer altogether.

Having planned for this, the Rangers summoned Barney using Harry's wand. Like magic, Giant Barney appeared right in front of the trailer! Harry couldn't hurt fat Barney! Barney was gentle! He went to swerve, but Barney was so big, he ran out of gas.

Now he was in the middle of the desert with no gas and no magic wand to help him, right next to Barney's blubber. Worse, the effects of the Mary Jane were wearing off.


The Power Rangers observed Harry through their magical looking glass sphere that they like to look through (if you've ever seen the show), and located his exact position. Then they used the power of the wand to hypnotize Barney into thinking Harry was a snack. Barney looked over his belly, reached down, picked him up and held him high, about to eat him. Oh no! Could this be the end?

That's when Johnny Depp came in and killed everyone, exlaiming, "my movies RULE!!" (so yes, it was the end)

I think it's about time for another story. For the record, if you want me to write a story about anything, and it isn't serious like a political thesis or one of Gagne's stupid assignments, and I can use some imagination, I will write about it. So, even if I don't know you, or you think I don't know you, I can help. I'm the one to comment to if you've ever thought, "Hey, I've always wanted to have a children's story read to me about Evil Canevil visiting the three Berstein Bears, jumping over the three little pigs' house and landing on the wolf, spoiling all his fun, then using the three grateful little pigs as test subjects in his state-of-the-art catapult, to take over King Arthur's castle and win back the holy Grail, BU-uhhhT one doesn't exist." I know how hard having to live through something like that can be, and the toll it can take on young children, teenagers, and adults alike. I'm thinking Keith, or Pat, or Ben, or Brian, or at least Phil will step up to the challenge (sorry girls, but you just have no imagination).

I'm too lazy to have to think up a story right now, but the offer has been made.

Anyway, I was eating at Taco Bull and one of the girls (because there are dozens who abound in my presence during lunch) I was eating with filled up a Pepsi cup, put on the lid and took out a straw. She jammed down on the cross in the center, but somehow missed and created a little white milky plastic dent in the lid. Then, she did it AGAIN and missed! She knew we were all watching so she got all frustrated and stabbed at the lid several more times, failing to penetrate the cross in the center. By now, the lid was taking some serious damage. It was in bad shape.

At that point, I gently took the straw away from her and slid it in the straw hole. Then I looked her in the eyes and said, "it's a good thing I'm the one with the penis."

This post about hair will be a waste of your time, but not a waste of mine. This is possible because the only other use of my time would be spent studying for the test I woke up early for to study. Instead, I've managed to avoid it. Some would call this procrastinating. This post was actually supposed to be about procrastination, but "meh, it can wait."


[This guy realizes he has no hair.]


My beef is with hair replacement products. Now, people get old and bald, but then just spend some money to have normal hair again. I say, "this is bullshit."

The people going bald are the people with thin hair. I, on the other hand, have very thick hair, meaning that I will never go bald in the same way that relatives before me never did. But people with thin hair look cooler. That's a straight up fact. Or, if someone has thick hair, it looks good curly. But I don't have that, either. Thin hair is so luxurious and flowing and shiny. I'm thinking of all the rockstars and celebrities on magazines. I could do some research and list names and read up on this subject, but I'm not going to complicate things by bringing facts into this.

I say, if people can go through life with thin hair, them going bald is just god's way of saying, "that's it, you've had enough time looking good, so you're going bald now. Time for those with hair forcing them to live in the shadows to come out in their old age and claim all the women left over." Granted, women don't flock to men simply because of their hair necessarily, but I'm sure it happens nonetheless. So now people are just neglecting god's plans by going out and buying products or getting surgery or whatever. Let me make it clear that this is the devil's work. True, I'm only bringing god into this to support my argument, speaking for him and making up stuff, but that's what any good Christian would do.

Whatever happened to wigs? I never had a problem with them. They were worn by the most powerful people around, and nobody questioned them. Then there's baseball caps and other type hats. And I don't even have a problem with toupets! They're kind of like hair, but in socially hilarious times, they come off somehow, much to the delight of everyone else. Little John in Robin Hood was balding, but that didn't stop him from kicking ass with his staff! If I ever go bald, I will wear a powdered wig, and I will look awesome doing it. All I ask is everyone else do the same.


Starting with him--->

This guy is the man to bring back the wigs for bald people. He understands what it was to be George Washington, or the Quaker Oats guy.

Just for the record, I bring nothing to the table.


except this...

Goku is kameameaing you! You're about to be exploded just as soon as he finishes charging up.

The following is a paid presentation from dead baby fans. These are some of my favorites.


How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What do you call a baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!

How do you get them out again?
With tortilla chips!!!

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive.

What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

There are a hundred more if you desire laughing at dead babies.

I almost forgot!

This was at 5am mind you: a time when strange actions are heightened by the high of sleep deprivation.
I last ate some vending machine products, but they were terrible. First I had some Hostess orange flavored cup cakes for 85 cents. That was then followed by some mini graham crackers for 75 cents which were bad almost instantaneously. After the first three, I realized I could eat no more of this bad food, so I went outside and punted them every which way until the bag was done. It was a good deed.

But I'm pretty sure someone saw me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it was a funny thing.

The end.

Current mood: reflective, concerned, hungry, running on no sleep

I may have an ugly scar on my face from that knife fight, but at least I'm still alive.

In the life of Casey, every day is a good day for pajama pants. (they speak unconformity, unlike jeans, while delivering a comfortable level of fit and warmth)

I'm like a jar of putty in the face of society. You can put me anywhere and I'll fit in. This leads to implications. We all know the adage, "you can't please everybody all the time." But really it's "in the same way" or "at the same time." You can please everyone you want to if you treat them all independently. But because blogs are a universal site where people of all types come, the words cannot be bent or shifted to meet everyone's personality. I've befriended people of very different types and backgrounds. Recognize most of us don't get along, and I'm sorry for offending the softer of my friends.

Thinking about what I'm going to do makes me more scared and nervous than I realized, but I'm still going to do it in the name of adventure and to make me a better person. It's kind of like my new year's resolution, only I'm independent of the calendar dating system.

My goal in life is to be one of the wisest old men this side of the Mississippi, fo' rizzy deal.

On another note, I'm supposed to get a couple visitor's today, except they haven't contacted me for directions yet. This is when I say, "stupid teenagers!" except they aren't teenagers.