Today's topic is speed dating! *cheers*

No, I'm not talking about the the inevitable dating that occurs after a long night of hitting the pipe. Fun as that is, this is better. Speed dating is the process of meeting people rapidly. You pay a fee to enter a room chalk full of chairs. The girls circulate to the next chair when the timer goes off. Your amount of time is short, usually 4 minutes or less, to sell yourself and learn about them as well. What kinds of questions do you ask? Do you go for the things that are important to you? Or, do you go for a silly question looking for a laugh?

More and more, research is showing that first impressions all you need. This isn't cause for anxiety if you go to one of these. Quite the opposite. The scenario is so strange and silly, the environment is instead smiley and fun! While some dates (like blind dates)focus a lot of time on one person, speed dating focuses little time on lots of people. Before you get to know someone, it's time to switch to the next person! If your curiousity is picqued, you can look them up later; if not, they're gone before you know it. Speed dating parties can be found in every major city because statistics have shown it's better than watching Cartoon Network.

But you parry: "4 minutes? 4 minutes is not enough time to sell yourself. And who wants to sell themself, prostitutes aside?"

Maybe you think the idea of a four minute pitch is insane. You'd rather drink green tea and sing kumbaya with Bill O'Reilly than have streams of crazed singletons giving you four-minute pitches. If they want to just talk to you, ask three questions, or show you pictures of their pet python for four minutes, ok. But pitching is not a contact sport, nor is it suitable for "speed".

True. True. Many newcomers panic at the idea of selling themselves in so little time. How can you begin to let the potential investors understand your net worth? That is why I bring pamphlets.

Pamphlets are the best way to sell anything. Hands down. Except for hiring Chef Tony or Chuck Norris for an infomercial. But those are expensive. Pamplets are a cheap and easy alternative.

Many programs offer pamphlet-creating options(just download.com it). Now all you need to do is highlite your best points. Be sure to use bullets (both star and triangle varieties) and pictures to illustrate your points. Pictures show how beautiful you are, and doctored photos with celebs always help. A well-made pamphlet gives you a professional-looking presentation. Be sure to bring extras to hand out to those interested. It's like a business card, but with lots of info on it. Either way, it's free--minus printing costs--advertising, and aids the presentation seven or eight fold (some research points to as much as nine-fold!!!)

Hear what people had to say about speed dating! (Quotes from Hurrydate.com)

“Painless and not-creepy!” — Diane in Toronto
“It was so much fun - the people were really cool and NORMAL! — Barb in Schaumburg
“What a clever, non-threatening way to meet people. A blast!”— Lisa in Chicago

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Here are some key conversation starters for your few minutes, if you attend a speed dating party. They're the questions you need the answers to.

1.)Are you that guy?

2.)Are you a liar?

3.)Can you handle a big woman? (would you want to?)

4.)Are you a sex-crazed lunatic? (why not?)

5.)Why did you sit there? Why don't you sit over there? (point to far-off location)

6.)Do you admit to having any children?

7.)How great is your hatred for trees?

8.)On a scale of 1-30, how anecdotal is your answering machine message?

9.)How often do you engage in car accidents?

10.)Do you play the piano, or any other forms of non-violence, on weekends?

11.)Are you so desperate that you have to come to these things on a weekly basis, only to find that nobody is meant for you and you're doomed for a life of miserable self-cooked meals?

12.)Does your husband/wife think you're grocery shopping like mine does?

13.)Are you living a life under false pretenses?

14.)When was the last time you did anything about the Joe Rogan situation?

15.)Are you a millionaire? and if not, please leave.

16.)Would you be offended if I told you you were unattractive and unworthy of my attention?

17.)Are you, like me, currently in violation of your parole for a crime you allegedly committed? Even if it was something as simple as armed robbery?

18.)You're that person from America's Most Wanted, aren't you? Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
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Some non-questions to say when the timer begins:

1.)You're not Angolina Jolie. Next!

2.)I do not accept hand shakes. I only accept high fives.

3.)If there weren't so many Jews around here, I'd slap you.

4.)Guess my name and win a prize! (ensure your name tag is not your real name for added fun!)

5.)I think I'm in love with Interviewee #38....(Then have your eyes glaze off dreamily. Do not respond to any questions or comments offered by current subject for entire session)

Has anyone ever tried speed or dating? I am new to both. But in all honesty, I can tell you that I already tried speed dating and met someone, actually several someone's!! It was great and if you are a loser like I was, you should try it!! Speed dating is the best thing since home cooked bread and Oreos.

~peace, as always

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note: this post was made on April Fool's Day. Any and all statements made here may be false.

I heard some reporter on the News Hour with Jim Lehrer complaining about Pirates over in Africa yesterday. Pirates make me really happy. These particular Pirates were stealing food from the Red Cross...hungry bastards. So I was thinking about Pirates, because that's what I do, and I realized the reason Pirates have beards is because shaving on a boat is dangerous! In fact, the earliest Pirates who tried to shave on ships probably killed themselves when a big wave hit the ship. As the path of surviving, non-shaving Pirates dichotomized from the dead, clean shaven ones, eventually only the beardedness prevailed. That is why Pirates have beards. I, on the other hand, have no such excuse.

I bring all this up because today, as I was walking through Wegmans, somebody mistook me for a Pirate. This mistake really made me step back from life and assess what went wrong. I think it was the eye patch. It might have been the wooden leg.

I'm trying to decide what I want to be for this Halloween when I go trick-or-treating. I figure it's best to take advantage of my non-huge build and pretend to be a child. With the help of a mask, it should be doubly easy, what with the manly man-beard hidden away. I know it may seem a little early to be thinking about Halloween seven months in advance, but Halloween is fantastic. You learn lessons about life like the importance of begging. And the importance of threats, 'cause hey, if they don't Treat, I'm going to Trick.

Good tricks are usually toilet papering, egging of property, slashing tires, and the all-powerful flaming bag-o'-poo. Human or dog poo works well, as long as there are clear indicators (like corn) that it was actually poo. Diarrhea works well too.

Since it's not suspicious-looking when you're wearing a mask, Halloween is my number one day for burglaries and crimes against humanity! (I like to practice Chinese Water torture on store clerks.) Halloween is basically the celebration of poverty(begging), starting with children from a very young age, right? People are just confused. Society praises Robin Hood for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, but hate the poor when they do it for themselves.

If you have any suggestions for my Halloween costume, I'll be taking them from now until October.

~peace

Why I Should Never Get Administrator Privileges

Everyone who's anyone has heard of the facebook. Well I created a group called, "I heart Naps" back from the start with the description "because who doesn't like naps? for realz." and put up a nifty picture that says I heart naps. Since napping is so enjoyable, the group grew to 188 members. Seeing as I only know about 30 people in Alfred, that's a considerable amount.

So what did I do? I simply changed the description:

"Naps" is codename for "masturbation."

hahaha. I thought this was very funny. 188 people now voluntarily joined a group to support playing with themselves...without knowing it! I'm so clever! This is why I shouldn't have power; I abuse it.

I'm interested to see whether anyone else notices and if anyone will leave or join the group now that its true purpose has been revealed! I don't think anyone will notice for a while because the group is so old and boring, but I got a good laugh and that's all that matters. And perhaps someone else will notice and get a good laugh too, and comment to their friends, who wouldn't know, and they would get a laugh. Laughs all around! I am the bringer of mirth.

Perhaps you'll be able to see the page here. If not, please let me know.

What do you think of all this? Leave me a memo!

love y'all
~peace

Joke Time! (I find it's best to pause between each joke)

Anytime I see something screech across a room, and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
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As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for pretty rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke, just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy.
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Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
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Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion, or the tiger, or even the elephant. It's a shark, riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow, getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped, he'd yell, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.
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I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him.
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I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampoland, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seem to be getting out of control.
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't necessarily think it means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
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In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like more money, and I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy, just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
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The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
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The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
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When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
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When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?
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You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men.
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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
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I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
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A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
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I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
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These are my favorite of the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. I've read them before but they're great and if you're not familiar with Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts, you should be. What you should do, honestly, is just go to that site and there's about twice as many. I selected the thoughts in the upper 30% to save you time if you're ultra lazy or if you have troubles clicking on links. Many of his jokes are formulaic, but it works. You've got to respect a master of his trade.

~Peace

p.s.
I am not lame for copying and pasting. CPing is what Casey does best! I am a champ!