Behold, my friend, as here am I.
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you will be.
Prepare to die, and follow me.

I read a tombstone with this engraving while wandering a graveyard. I found it humorous; my sister found it morbid and depressing. It's kind of interesting to think that once we're dead at whatever age it is we die, after hundreds of years, all people will know about your life and everything you accomplished in it, will be summed up on a stone.

And even that is suspect.

Whenever someone dies, people always have nice things to say about that person. Even a despicable man could have something like, "successful, loyal, dedicated, hard-worker" and all the bad things about the man are left out, as if they were unimportant or never happened. In the words of my dad, "A bad man has never died." Is this the message we're trying to give? That all that matters is what good we do and the bad is forgotten? I think you have to take the good with the bad. When they're dead, just because they're not there to defend themselves is no reason to leave out the truth. Hell, it's even more reason. He had all his lifetime to make his impression on us.

What's interesting (to someone as easily amused as I) is comparing people who lived their lives to an old age versus those who died early (in their teens, twenties,thirties...). The former approved what went on their tombstone, while those who died "before their time" had no idea what would be put on it. I think they still read the same. Perhaps there should be a website where everyone can go and update their eulogy and engraving, so that in the event of sudden death, you don't rely on other people/make them do work. It's a courtesy for your lazy friends, or if you have no friends it makes you seem good.

I think it's wack how everyone takes death so seriously. It's totally normal and inevitable and I don't find it depressing when people die. Is it just me or does everyone get sad when someone dies? At my funeral, I put the responsibility on my readers to inform everyone in charge that I want spiked punch for old and young children alike, and umbrellas in the drinks, and there will be people giving you high fives instead of depressingly solemn greeters. Also, I want Weird Al to perform. I would enjoy watching his old bones trying to fit his foot behind his head while hopping dressed as a Jedi singing "The Saga Begins" instead of "American Pie," or perhaps a more applicable song like, "Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me," "Happy Birthday" or "It's all about the Pentiums." People cried when I came into this world, so it's only fair that nobody cries when I die ('cause usually it's the reverse).

Life means stuff when we're here, but when was the last time you cared about someone who died a thousand years ago? A hundred years even? We came, we saw, we left. The world would be really crowded without it. So...yeah. Death is cool. I'm gunna give Death a high five, for I enjoy partaking in the distribution and acquisition of high fives. I think that's something everyone should know about me.

Anyways, I could go on, but I've expressed my basic drift and rambled on enough for one night. You're probably bored and I respect you. Also, my sister makes me feel like my thoughts are worthless and trivial and not pertinant to daily life. I was making a valid point about an intermediary stage of lighting between dark and bright rooms to reduce the painful duration of pupil dilations, then went on about this red blueberry I saw that gave my brain mixed messages about its color. "That's great," was her sarcastic response. I guess that's why I ramble on here sometimes, because my family doesn't care and I feel like expressing my thoughts. But thanks for listening. And feel free to give me your two cents (I don't have a job *non-creepy wink*).

Time for lessons in French:

Je vous aurais bien aide, mais je ne vous aime pas.

On t'a bercé trop près du mur?"

T'as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d'egouts!

Votre grenouille a mangé mon dejeuner.

A dollar to anyone who finds their translations. Peace, fou.

Screaming joke monkeys are wandering bastards.
Peaceful hillbillys laugh wickedly at jigsaw puzzles and etymylogical teasers.
Saturday night gypsies use rhyming dictionaries to rap "gently" with "nestling jealousy."
Come on, preacher; video games and Family Guy bring happiness until midnight.
Stranger kids go to Diaryland, instead of The Onion, with sweet devotion instead of angry telepathic mcstories, for their brainwashing necessities.
A pragmatic Daschund awoke vigorously to inquiries from Helen Keller’s attic to find local pine trees in disarray throughout the town.
Sometimes we use a Proteus Mind Machine to fathom erotic mind control stories to map the liquid subconcious versus digital fiction. Shut up, it’s more fun than playing guitar, silly.
I am a little dazed, but I can take no more of your sweet boredom or Kids in the Hall type medicine.

W00t! Blogger has been down for me, maybe not for anyone else, but for me. I blame Dan Rather and possibly Peter Jennings.

So the big deal of the now is Valentine's Day, or as Elyse calls it: Singles Awareness Day. Yes, that's more important than the Winter Olympics. You have to look at the big picture: in 1000 years, global warming will have melted all the snow and ice and there will be no surface for which to base these sports. Sure, maybe ice rinks will be replaced with teflon, but this will cost a lot and it takes away from the essense of the sports--being cold. Watching the Winter Olympics wouldn't be half as satisfying if deep within me wasn't the knowledge that of those thousands of athletes and spectators, a lot of them are probably really cold. And that brings me joy as I sit with a blanket and pj's on, eating my Captain Crunch with berries or juggling honey packets. I can only assume that goes for you too.

But Valentine's Day--what's that all about? I wrote a piece on it last year regarding the history of it. Basically, I was bitter we didn't get school off for it, but that's not an issue for me this time. A recent poll from "Do you have someone to spend Valentine's with" found that 51% were partner deficient and at least 10% were in denial. So, if you're single like me, remember there's safety in numbers. Just because nobody will be buying you chocolates doesn't mean you don't deserve them. Go and buy some anyway. I did. Or, try organizing a rally. Maybe you can make tomorrow's headlines. Rallys are pretty cool and I'll Dragon punch anyone who thinks otherwise.

My enter key isn't working suddenly so this is going to be a big paragraph. nvmd. Speaking of sudden occurances, I aim to make the word "sudd" a word. I think it would fare well. Maybe it could be a relative of suds: those bubbly bits in your favorite beverages. The other word that should definitely become a "real" word (real meaning it's in the dictionary) is "noob." This word is universal in the gaming community as someone who is new/bad. On an English test, a foreign student put the word noob as the opposite of "pro" (instead of "con"). I vouche for this as a correct answer. I hope to see the day when people can call freshman noobs. That would be awesome. Anyway, I think I've made several punctuation errors and I don't know how to fix them. Maybe I'll submit them to Mr. Moore and have him correct them. Or maybe if there someone smart out there who noticed what I did wrong can tell me. That'd be cool. I need to take more Engrish classes so I can learn good. Peace and Merry Valentine's.

Oh, and if you are in dire need of ideas on what to do while single on Valentine's, I decided to make a list to help you out:

1.) Call up some of your other single friends and stand united in defiance of those who are trying to be happier than you.
2.) Go shopping and buy yourself things. Just because someone else won't be buying you valentine's gifts doesn't mean you shouldn't get them.
3.) Prank call your dating friends at around dinner time while they're out trying to have candle lit dinners.
4.) Try online dating to fix your situation.
5.) If you get responses, waste no time in rejecting them, so they too feel the icy hand of rejection. Remember, you're not trying to find an actual date: that's hard. You're just trying to make it through the day.
6.) Piss and moan all day. If you can't have a good time, make sure nobody else does either.
7.) Play video games all day. Life is still a poor substitute for video games.

Actually, I'm being sarcastic. This day needs to be ignored, but if someone thinks it's special, don't spoil their party. If this post seems Maddoxy, it's not because I'm actually bitter, it's because I'm bored and have to fabricate my own opinions about complex topics like Valentine's Day and the Winter Olympic games. Really, and this is fo' real, I'm only filled with a positive energy and bubbly perspective on life. It's like I'm a freshly opened bottle of sparkling grape juice: no one ever sees me and goes, "Crap. It's that sparkling grape juice." It's always optimistic like, "Hey! there's some sparkling grape juice. Maybe I should go and try some! I would enjoy the feeling of thousands of carbonated bubbles in my esophagus! And the grape taste is sweet and full of citric acid." Stay chipper, amigos!!!