Saturday, November 5

To celebrate halo2's one year anniversary on Nov. 9th, a lot of people are driving with their lights on. But that way, people with dimmers will be mistaken for halo2 fans. I advocate driving with your brights on, or better yet, driving backwards for the day. Then again, why do something that has absolutely nothing to do with the game to celebrate it? I'm contemplating writing "halo2 roxxorz" on my forehead in permanent marker, to ensure that everyone will recognize my intent to celebrate.

You know what is bad for squirrels? Ecstasy is bad for squirrels. They freak out.

There was a blog about weight loss to help those trying to lose weight. It got a lot of comments from people saying how it had changed their life. Weeeeee!!!! But the best comment was some cocky son sayin, "I'm skinny" I wasn't sure to take it as him rubbing it in all the fatties faces, or if he was just confused why he was reading about how to lose weight.

Penguins think they're so smart when they stand up in the middle of a snow storm.

I wish I could win a dinner for two at hooters.

I wish I owned a fully functional light saber. The ones on ebay aren't what I'm looking for.
Now, a lot of people may try to teach you about uppercuts. People may try to explain that it's something like this:

But an uppercut should always be like this:

Good day!

Friday, November 4

This post is not for the easily offended. Proceed with caution. So...
This is America. These people celebrate our freedoms, and they clearly deserve it.

Note the scrolling bar at the bottom. I love "retro caveman dresses like a monkey."
Now it's time to address some insults I've observed circulating in my college campus hall. The kids in my dorm are loud jerks that get drunk and swear at each other. It is my intent to poke fun at their idiocy. Here's my guide to cursing for those that struggle for the right words in a critical moment:

1.) "Fag"-this is your general, cover all bases insult. It is generally used on people who aren't actually gay, but it doesn't really matter. I like to dress it up by saying "faggity fag."

2.) "Idiot"-this has changed meaning slightly since that overhyped movie Napolean Dynomite. Remember that if you use this word, it's a safe bet at being accurate. It's more PC than many other insults.

3.) "Fuck tard"-this one's original. It combines the implication that they're retarded with the word "fuck," which is sure to offend everyone. Very effective.

4.) "Dirty Cunt"-ooooo. Good one. Your knowledge of the female anatomy proves you're more intelligent than me. It's kind of like calling someone a "cock" while implying bad hygiene and that they're a girl, which is the worst insult ever.

5.) "Whore, slut, cum dumpster"- this slew of insults is most effective when strewn together all at once, along with the combination of adjectives. It's very impressive if you say, "you dirty, ugly whorish smelly slut. You suck, you're stupid and you're smelly. I guess you didn't get the message: the city voted to remove all cum dumpsters in this area."

6.) "Bitch"- this one isn't very funny or useful as it is too short a word and used too much. However, if you tack it on to the end of your statement, it leaves them with a slight sting; "What now, bitch?" ouch.

Remember, when insulting someone, it doesn't matter that the words apply, just as long as they're bad words. Do this, and you're sure to turn some heads with your well-thought out remarks.
I'm sorry for cursing in my post, but it is strictly for educational purposes to assist people who can't come up with actual good insults. If you are truly offended, please write out your comments on a crisp 100 dollar bill and send it to me.
Always remember, the more drink you beer, the more powerful you become.
The more beer you drink, the more ladies like you for your mind.
The more beer you drink, the more intelligent you sound.
The more beer you drink, the more intoxicated you become.

one beer.......2$
two beer.......4$
three beer....6$
four beer......8$
fifteen beer....difficult math$ (30?)
realizing you have no more money for beer = someone's gunna die.

Some things money can't buy, but that's unimportant when you have beer.
Three cheers for beer!

Thursday, November 3

I've been studying for multiple hours, so it's time to ease my mind. I like to do this by thinking of situations I would never expect, in the hopes that if they do happen, I will be more prepared than everyone else. I would never expect it if:

while walking to class, some person randomly ran screaming by, pulling out his hair screaming, "NOOOO!!!"

myself, or someone I knew, actually had the world revolving around them like in the Truman Show.

George Bush was actually intelligent.

suddenly all the menus were changed to bacon and only bacon.

I was in line waiting for food, when lots of people suddenly began climbing on the walls like spiders, howling like possessed demons, and giving me high fives.

when drinking a glass of water, suddenly gravity disappeared and the water wouldn't come out of the glass. This would be terrible as I would not be able to drink beverages without a straw as quickly. Also, vehicles would not stick to the ground to get good traction, and old people would float up to their doom.

every time I said, "blam!" a baby died somewhere.

when I went to turn on a light switch, instead of a light turning on, everywhere else it got darker. Then, I went to turn on my TV, and a clone of Snoop Dogg appeared in my room.

when I went to pull out my dresser drawer to get dressed in the morning, the dresser exploded in a giant ball of flames and deathly deadliness.

I clapped my hands for some reason, and instead of a clap sound, someone within sight would fall to the ground.

I went to go crack my neck, but instead all the bones in my body disappeared.

the Buffalo Bulls won a football game.

all my calls were being monitored.

I was eating at subway, and I found a severed head, two arms and a cat in my sub.

Conan O'brien was hiding in my attic, and he was waiting until my 20th birthday to tell me, at which point he would build me a big birthday cake made of former guests on his show.

well...I think my mind is refreshed now, so I can get back to doin' the H-diggity, test prep.
Every group of friends needs a crazy/drunken acquaintance to tell stories about.

Fortune cookies: in some way or another they have impacted your life. They're so vague that any of them could come true. Tonight mine was: "Someone from your past will come back to steal your heart." There are no specifics; it doesn't say who or when. It could be in 30 years, and "someone from your past" doesn't narrow it down much. I propose a brand of fortune cookies that are specific. Fortunes like: "Jack will fall in love with you within a year, but you will fail to return the favor, " or "one of your past girlfriends, probably Jacky, will revisit you and toilet paper your house on Halloween, for the chance to talk to you again," would make me much happier. I would much rather recieve one of those in a cookie than these vague, cryptic teasing messages that don't give you any information at all. All I'm asking for here are some times or names here, and I'd be a lot happier. Who's with me?

Wednesday, November 2

There is some tight competition in the porno industry, and some loose.

Something I would never expect to happen would be the situation where I was waiting for the elevator to open, and when it did, a man wielding dual machine guns jumped out, looked both ways, and ran off.

Comparitively, I've never been this non-book smart. I know now more than ever before, but everyone else was learning things in the narrow frame of school.

Tuesday, November 1

Someone who is good with a knife will not let you know he has the knife until you are being stabbed with it. Yeah, you kick that knife out of his hand. The people you are most likely to be defending yourself against are also the people most likely to be carrying a weapon. You can take 20 years of martial arts, but you'll still lose to a gun. For someone serious about self defense, I recommend a weapons license permit.
*Welcome to the real world*

The best time to make life changing decisions is when you can't get to sleep.

I want to step on a leprechaun. Smash in his face, or her face. Are there female leprechauns? Whatever; they're going to get stepped on if I ever meet one.

People are out there who think they're depressed. Sure, we live in the richest country in the world, with bountiful material possessions and no worry of starvation or diseases, but hey, maybe if I pop a few pills I'll chipper up. Throw them in the fuckin' pyramid.

Poker, running, biking, sit-ups, reading, writing, rapping, body building, studying western boxing, kickin' it free--this I will do alone, cut off, poor, and it will be unique.
Penguins are stupid.

Nuns are worse. Let's say you walked up to one and kicked her in the shin. Would she summon the powers of god and fight back? No. She wouldn't because she can't. Nuns aren't cool like that, so therefore, they're nothing but weaksauce. Merely saying punishment will come eventually is not enough when you're getting kicked in the shin; these actions require immediate consequences!!

It's all about the ill tastes in music.

If you walk on a treadmill, it's just way to symbolic of life. You're walking and walking, and if you want to try harder you run, and no matter how much time you spend there, you're still in the same spot.

I will be sad if one day people do nothing but sit around on the bus, in a car, around a poker table, at dinner, independently listening to their Ipods and talking on their cell phones. That is already happening. Cell phones are the worst invention ever. Being always available for contact takes them away from their current situation. Fuck cell phones. If you want to talk, meet them in person.

Chocolate bunnies? WTF??

Monday, October 31

There is nothing I want more than for my roommate's phone to burn in hell.

The number of times I said, "blam!" "kapow!" "fwoosh!" "vroom" "splat!" "bow!" "bam!" during Organic Chemistry today exceeded normal estimates. In fact, right at the moments I was about to pass out from intense fits of boredom, I would recite them quickly and with as much intensity as my boredom to keep me concious.

Things I love include: recognizing bits of corn in vomit spewed on the floor just outside the elevator, seeing small pretty dead birds randomly on the stairs, and observing a flattened rodent that clearly got hit by a bus.

Penguins can't fly because they're very lazy and drink too much beer.

When I am elected President, (not because I'm running, but just because I got elected) class times will be changed from 8am to 8pm, 11am to 11pm and so on, to assist my fellow nocturnal compadres, and to give the royal 'fuck you' to cheery preps who like to wake up at 7am and go to bed early.

I saw a girl on the bus repeatedly swirling her apple in caramel. First I thought, "from now on, caramel will be referred to as 'caramel sauce'." Then I thought, "caramel apples are the perfect breakfast treat, because they have the outside crunchy sweetened deliciousness of caramel on the outside, and the nutritiousness of apple on the inside. They also have all the convenience of being food on a stick." That's when I grabbed that poor girls apple and made her watch me eat it as my eyes glazed over with ill-bent pleasure.

Then I punched her in the face.

And she exploded.

Sunday, October 30

*Drops spoon on the floor*
-"Now you're going to have to get another one!"

"Could you be a little less apathetic?"

I realize that the fire lane isn't for fires but for fire trucks. But have you seen the fire lane? It's only about three feet wide. I don't claim to know a lot about fire trucks, but I know that's not enough room for one to pull over in. It seems like if normal folk can get a ticket for parking in the fire lane, firemen should get a ticket for parking outside of the fire lane.

Don't you ever wish, when you see that fire on the news, that it just goes completely out of control? Aren't you really rooting for the fire? I mean, it's not like I want firemen to die, but they're putting out my fire.--something like that from George Carlin
Whenever I put on socks, they usually vary from foot to foot.

I went for an hour run yesterday, but it was Holloween and a kid tried to run with me while poking me with plastic swords and I punched him in the chest by default.


The point of being batman is to be able to jump from really high up places to low ones and back up.

There's no wrong way to eat a kid named Reese.

If you uppercutted a giraffe, you would really take it by surprise.

The next time someone suggests I "fight fire with fire," I'm going to tell them about that lengthy talk the fireman gave me on why that was wrong.
Right after Chemistry Lab, I lick my fingers to ingest the chemicals and increase my chances of gaining super powers.

I should stop saying, "haha, idiot" out loud to people I don't know when I see them do something foolish.

Always, always, ALWAYS replace the word "crap" with dump or poo as in: "holy dump!" or "what the poo?"

I've gone crazy, but in a good way.

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.