Saturday, December 3

I like talking to people, but I usually don't start conversations. I think this arose way back when I started IMing this girl and didn't catch on that she didn't like me. So I was all like talkin' it up and stuff, right? Then I realized one day she never was initializing our conversations. I asked myself, why? Why wouldn't she want to talk to someone as awesome and powerful as me? I mean, I pwn noobs at Halo2 and stuff, so real life has to be like that too I figured. I mean, I own at everything I do, so I figured I might as well go out an' own some girls. This one conversation was like this, different girl though: (she IMs me)

"oh, I haven't talked to you in like a want to have sex?"
"[yada yada]....I'd love to!"

so I totally won that battle and owned her. But then she wanted to keep playing me but I was like, "I've gotta play other people that are better than you and own them, you know?" She didn't like that very much.

Then there was this other girl. She Imed me one day because she liked my picture on facebook, which was of a surfer owning some huge wave like it was a n00b! and it wasn't actually me but she didn't know that. So she was like, "hey" and stuff and we talked for a couple hours. This was May before school let out. Then I never talked to her until a couple days ago when she Imed me with "can I ask you a personal question?" I'm so confused because I thought we were over and now she wants to get personal with me? So I think "ok, it's not like I can get owned by a surprise attack because it's just a girl" and she asks and we get talking for ten minutes or so, just basic stuff like I would say to my step-brother or cousin-in-law. Suddenly, she asks if I know who's talking to her, she direct connects me and sends me a picture. I'm like, "yeah, I remember." I'm talking to a couple other people and five minutes pass until suddenly I think, "wait, she was in her bra in that picture. In fact, she was very much almost naked." I don't know what to say, so I babble stuff like, "oh, I just noticed you're in your bra...this will be useful." She freaks at my comment ("what do you mean by THAT!!"), I panic but I respond by saying "what? what do you mean? I don't remember saying that." I totally pulled it off. I like it when that stuff happens.

Stuff like this happens ALL the time. I mean, I can't blame them, can you? Just look at how awesome my Pirate self-portrait drawing is. If I was a girl I would totally want to hit up that artist too. And just for the ladies, I'll even throw in five extra-credit facts about myself that you can't learn anywhere else (even from the internet!)

1.) I wear shades after I pull all-nighters
2.) I don't have red hair
3.) I've never made out with a midget
4.) I can do more pushups than situps
5.) Unlike monkeys, I don't have an opposable toe on my feet.

The moral of the story is: I like getting random Ims from people I don't know, especially since the type of people to send them are usually interesting. Average Jane or Joe don't pull shit like that because they're just too average. Also, I've found my most favorite hobby is saying whatever comes into my mind. I really like what my brain comes up with and I find it very amusing usually. Also, other people laugh at what I say, so it's like a double-edged sword, in a good way, where nobody dies unless they're both they enemy, in which case everybody wins still. My computer screen just becomes an oasis of positive energy and I let it surround me until I've got such high spirit that I don't need to do anything to keep in good health, but maybe some exercise wouldn't hurt. So Im me at cpjunkie6. Don't make fun of the name, I made it in like 9th grade to replace Mankindsbesthope, because apparently some people thought that was too vain. So yeah, party on.

Friday, December 2

Let it be known that at 10:26 I am officially GONE. And I did it the good old fashioned way, the only way monkeys know how: without alcohol. That's right, I haven't slept to an intense degree for an extremely long amount of time. Sleep deprivation has all the syptoms of alcohol abuse including: loss of coordination, slurred speech, headaches, hyperactivity, increased euphoria, need for sleep, doing stupid things, saying stupid things, and diarrhea (cha cha cha!). Actually I'm not suffering from diarrea, that was a complete fabrication. So yeah, I feel sickly tired with a racing heartbeat but also hyper and ready to do crazy shit, and I'm saying crazy things. Or maybe just ordinary things and finding them hysterical. I vote for the latter. In terms of strange activities, I'm not only on Facebook and rewrote my info, but I'm writing on lots of walls like a grafitti crazed teenager. I also noticed I said, "poked, BITCH" while poking anna and I've begun to laugh needlessly yet extensively. I intend to stay up for a record amount of time, meaning until I collapse and die, because I don't know where that point is. Best of all, I'm doing it without the aid of caffeine, because caffeine makes you crash. On my side, I do have some really stale pizza within reach. This may be the last you'll hear from me, 'cause I'm out to break a record. So far I'm at 34 hours without sleep. I'll update when I can stand it no longer and lose my determination. I'll try for 50 hours. Oh, and you'll still get your midnight post if you want. Tell me how much you love me in a comment! Or tell me you hate me and when you read my posts they make you want to jump out of windows with your hands stapled to some bedsheets. Anything in between is unacceptable. Peace out.


I lived. I lasted until 5am, which makes it 41 hours of awakedom. Here are the minutes:

11:30- stopped being silly
11:54- sneezing
12:43- yawning, some chest pain
1:11- shower, nearly dozed
1:40- this is brutal, eye lids hurt
2:10- was watching tv standing up
2:21- sleep would come really easily
2:45- eyes heavy, very very tired
3:04- this sucks badd
3:32- kind of waking up a little again
3:50- convincing myself I had sleep last night and I'm fine
4:47- back hurts, neck hurts-this is pretty stupid
4:59- this is stupid, I need money for this shit, it's not fun
The White Stripes were playing on The Daily Show with Jon Stuart as his first band, and I have to say, "not a bad choice."

Jack and Meg have been nominated for 4 Grammys, including Album of the Year, Best Alternative Album, Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with vocal and Best Rock Song (Seven Nation Army). I'd also like to personally nominate them for Worst Designed Website on the Internet for Trying to navigate through it and read their news, I was filled with temptation to throw my computer monitor off my desk and across the room. If you're masochistic, go there now. If you were click happy and not masochistic, I'm sorry. Now let's get to why you're here: to read about my opinion of them.

The female in this duo has no drumming skills at all. In every song, she has one drum stick in each hand and beats a drum about once every second or two. She's not capable of a drum roll. No musical talent whatsoever. In the above picture, it's like Jack is saying, "What the fuck? Why is she here?"

Jack on the other hand, kicks ass. He's like a combination of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka and Leonardo DiCaprio. His look is everything I want in a musician. He can play the guitar like a mofo, and I caught him playing a keyboard and a piano at the same time (one hand on each) while singing. On top of the piano, he also had a mirror, so he could look at himself while singing. Awesome. I can respect a man that plays music while looking at himself.

<---Once again, Jack prefers not to look at Meg, but shoot her in the back with his hand. Props for the top hat.

So Meg can't play an instrument, and she's not good looking either. It's only through Jack's amazing musical talent that this group exists at all, and intensely in the music community at that. More props to Jack.

Jack said he didn't want to look at her anymore and she couldn't play the drums, and crying ensued. Or was it because of that large paddle?

The existence of this group is proof that if you have one talented musician/performer, a strong beat is necessary, but anyone will do. I respect him for not dropping his girlfriend at the time when his music career was launching, and instead handed her some drum sticks.

Their music videos are cool and worth checking out as well. I gained a little respect for Meg when I saw their music video, Blue Orchid, in which she crawls under a horse and attempts to thrust her way towards its male organ, and soon after is seen eating a tube of toothpaste. I only wish that more musical groups could see the light, as the White Stripes have, and follow their lead.

In "We're Going to be Friends," I love how has his wife just lies on the couch for the whole video. I'd have to say the highlight of the video was either when he shifted positions while playing guitar, or when he glanced over to make sure she hadn't moved. I'm pretty sure this video takes the cake as needing the least dough to produce. (I'm so linguistically clever!) Seriously though, some of their videos are really entertaining. See their music videos here if your internet connection does not involve phone lines.

If you missed seeing them on The Daily Show, you can catch them again today, (Dec. 2) with Conan O'Brien.

Thursday, December 1

Give it to your mom.
Poor Tom.
Keepin' it real.
This boy did not live, but thanks to someone quick with a camera, we got to see his last moment. Keepin' it real Part II
My intramural soccer team last year was named Team Hasselhoff.
These pictures were from which has some awesome and funny stuff.
Finally, I must leave you with an image so horrid, it will leave a lasting impression.

A cold brisk night with fireflies
attacked and gave me
Bundled tight, I said goodbye
to friends behind headlights.

Wednesday, November 30

This is my first list ever, and probably ever, but it needs to be put out there. You might be thinking, Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, Heidi Klum, and Eva Mendez, but they didn't make the top ten.

Top 10 People I'd most like to see naked:

  1. Shannon Elizabeth-32-She plays poker, she's recently single after a 10 yrs relationship, she's mega hot. Also, something about that accent in American Pie...
  2. Elizabeth Hurley-40-She was in Austin Powers and she deserves better.
  3. Carmen Electra-35-Remember Baywatch? Me neither. She has recently made several stunts as host to some shows, and I remember thinking, "why isn't she naked again?"
  4. Jennifer Garner-35-OMG yes. Elektra, Alias, Dude Where's My Car, and of course, Mr. Magoo... Have you seen her? 'nuff said.
  5. Lindsay Lohan-19- Someone my age in Hollywood? And she's awesome? I'm in for the fire crotch. It's Linsday Freaking Lohan! She can sing and shit, and I like that.
  6. Jessica Alba-24-Sin City, Invisigirl, Dark Angel. I used to watch Dark Angel, and it wasn't because of the story line.
  7. Oprah Winfrey-51-Who wouldn't want to see Oprah bare? She's the most powerful woman around. It's freakin' Oprah. Maybe I could even extort some money out of her, which would be fun.

  8. Any of the female dancers in the music video "Call on Me" because I'm not too particular. I think in particular, the black haired one chewing gum. I wish I was Eric Prydz. I would also like to join that work out class please.
  9. Eva Mendez-31-Okay, I lied. There was no way she couldn't be on this list. Her Power and Specialty is in looking amazing. Holy Smackarooz, she can not be left off this list.
  10. Your mom!- I don't know her age, or appearance, or anything about her, except that she's your mom, and that's good enough for me. I typed in "your mom" in the google search and this picture came up. Looks like someone could use the Anti-Eating Face Mask.

There's actually some people not on this list that would take priority over Beyonce and Your mom, but you wouldn't know who I was talking about. I try to keep my audience on the "in."

In other news...
The Berenstain Bears Author died at 82 yesterday. This is terrible terribleness at its worst. What ever will we do without him? If you don't know about his life, basically, his life was spent writing 200 books about bears. Also, his name was Stan Berenstain. In writing the books, he teamed up with Dr. Seuss, and now he's dead. I thought I had made it clear that Seuss was bad news...

You have not lived until you see Mascots beat each other up in mascot suits.

Tuesday, November 29

It is time Christians got what they deserve. It's time for some facts.

1.) Jesus was a drunk, or possibly a vampire. He liked wine so much he turned blood into it.

2.) Jesus never married. Or dated. He was the most famous guy around. Ladies dig power and fame, and he even had a few tricks up his sleeve. What straight guy wouldn't hook up with that? In fact, he never kissed a girl, only peasants and poor people. He was definitely gay. Looks like those single wise men had an influence on him.

3.) Which explains why they killed him.

4.) If you don't believe me, read the bible.

And what is the Christian stance on dinosaurs? Dinosaurs were reptiles that lived before us and fit into Evolution, which goes against the Christian philosophy of Creationism where God just pulled some magic tricks out his sleeve and created stuff in seven days. I was interviewing my roommates (both Christians) and they said Christianity doesn't have a stance on dinosaurs. How can you not have a stance on them? Dinosaurs are a huge deal. Will someone with Christian powers please inform me?

Also, Christians are supposed to side with God. God rewards people for being good, and the Devil punished people for being bad. So aren't they on the same side?

Furthermore, with the amount of bad going on, it seems like people should be ganging up against God, and take him out of his high chair. Instead of putting all this work into saying, "yeah I sinned, forgive me because you have no choice so I have a clean slate again," let's just say he forgives us constantly without us saying it. It seems too trivial to do what we want then just say sorry. I believe in democracy and I never voted for him. There's a reason Presidents don't get appointed for life. The power goes to their head. Don't fear, God may get re-elected, but Allah and Buddha may give him a run for his money and make him work a little harder at his job. All I'm sayin' is, if I'm having a god watch over me like a Peeping Tom, I want him bustin' his ass.

And remember all those people that keep saying Jesus is coming again? Or that the end of the world is coming? I know it became popular before the year 2000. I remember a special on tv where some Christians believed the end of the world was coming or whatnot. Guess what People-trying-to-gain-popularity-through-instilling-fear: the end has not come. People like this arise every once in a while, and pick some day far in the future, so that there's no proof they'll be wrong until that day comes. So all the while they gain popularity, citing vague references from the Bible to support their theory, then when nothing happens, which is every time, they fade from the public eye until they can think of another good time when the end of the world will come. How come nobody makes fun of them? Well here's me and I'm stickin' it to them for being idiots. Screw you guys. In the words of Americans across the nation, "your an idiot."

Monday, November 28

Fragrances that wouldn't sell but have cool names:
Essence of Man
Wisp of Lumber Jack
Mysterious Aroma of Egypt
Trapt Tingling Sensation
Essence of Pain!
Mindnumbing Madness
No Escape (for the ladies)
Commando Dragon Breath
Captain's Dank Fish Tank
Essence of Casey's Fantastic Doo-doo Butter?

why oh why?
BRISBANE, Australia (AP) -- A French woman who is terrified of flying admitted in an Australian court Monday that she drunkenly tried to open an airplane door mid-flight to smoke a cigarette.

And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.

"When I get my kids, I won't baby talk them. I'm gunna have them learn English the right way."--Neal is always quotable

let it be known that your dog isn't this ugly

again with the Santa Claus from Dennis Leary:
"Some fat guy comes to your house bringing toys he and his helpers made just for you? And all he asks for in return is some cookies and a glass of milk? He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake..." sounds like petifile to me. No wonder he's so jolly.

As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled "EGG BEATER!"

Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.

Picture time!!

This guy makes it too easy.

Real Inventions from Real People!!

Here's what they had to say:
Hey, are you tired of leaving your small pets at home when you are out and about? Could you use a little more quality time with your gerbils, mice, hamsters or snakes? Well now your dreams have come true with the Gerbil Shirt! The Gerbil Shirt wraps your torso in plastic tube passageways, making your bod a super highway of fun for Binky and Bart. The interior surfaces are textured for traction and have air vents for easy breathing.
The inventor suggests you can clean the Gerbil Shirt by attaching it to a faucet (remove pets first please), and you should avoid collisions and falls that could cause pet panic. We give two thumbs up to this living fashion accessory and we can't wait to see the toy poodle version.

Aren't hamsters squishy??

Protect Your Bananas!!! Introducting the Banana Suitcase

Aren't you sick of carrying a banana around with you and when it's time to eat it it's all mushy? Forget lunchboxes. Your banana deserves all the special treatment it can get. Remember how it's the food of choice of monkeys? They know how good an unbruised banana can be. To operate, merely stuff your small or large banana to conform with the proper curvature and size of the case. Once it is properly fitted in the tight case, merely put the case in with your lunchbox and have it safe from the damage your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches can deliver.

I wish I had the talent to think up one of these:Ever get sick of getting rained on at the big game? Ever wish you had a flat tray on your lap for your soft drinks? Ever wish you could look like a paper bag? Wish no more. Look how diabolical this guy looks zippered inside his bag. He's so freaking content. He knows what it takes to be a fashion statement, and he's out to show the world what a great product he just bought. I'm not sure how this thing packs up, so just be ready to walk into the stadium wearing this thing, so when the rain begins and everyone else is absorbing the water (ahhh!! water!!) with their skin, you can rest content that most of you is dry, except for your arms and legs. Ahh, another fine investment.

If I ever had a weight problem, I would control it with this...

The Anti-Eating Mouth Cage!!

Ever feel the need to eat anything and everything around you? The Anti-Eating Face Cage is a brand new way that will change the way you deal with the world. Using Ventilation Technology, you can still breath through your mouth and talk, just not sneak food in your mouth. And even if you want to eat, the lock prevents you from any second thoughts. Just don't lose the key!

Jokes flow freely when pictures are like this. If you want to make your own caption, go to Learn which of your ideas have already been taken so you don't waste your time!

Sunday, November 27

Well...I'm back. I had a Thankgiving break and it was fun. I saw Neal a couple times which is always fun, and I went to a party with Keith and Blong. Turkey day was at my house with my mom, dad, half-sister and her two mini-kids of ages nine years or less. The food was good, but how interesting can it be when I'm surrounded by two people in their late 50s, a thirty year old single mom and two hyper children? I did my best.

Now for a section entitled:

From What I Remember...

There's a reason girls are cold. It's so they can cuddle with guys for warmth. I was woken up to some girl saying, "I'm freezing," to herself apparently. It was cold in that room, about 50 degrees, and my drunken warmth jacket was wearing off. I was about to explain, "hey Dumb Bitch, it's your own fault if you're cold b/c there's three guys within three feet of you laying there, solitary, your personal body heater, when I opened my eyes and it was not Dumb Bitch, but Ugly Bitch. She had tagged along with her friends nice bitch and dumb bitch to this gathering. I call them bitch because dumb bitch was with some rich dumb brat character, and I don't remember their names. She was hopping around on everybody's lap before he showed up, like a quarter whore, until this kid came in exclaiming, "I have $1000 rims on each of my tires!" and she began making out with him. It's a shame because she was the hottest one.

I kept waking up at the slightest sound. One of the better moments was when everyone was asleep and Dennis walked to the bathroom, looked in the room and said "I hate you Keith." I couldn't help but chuckle because Keith was laying with this other really hot girl Dennis had clearly liked for good reason, for she's both really pretty and non-slutty, an almost unheard of combination, and she's nice and smart...anyway....

It's no secret I got mega-ultra drunk, but it's fun. Everybody pays you attention and escorts you places for free. I kept getting lead to this one room early on in the night. I'd wait 'till they left then wander back out mumbling proclamations like, "shhh...I escaped!!"This happened at least four or five times. They never learn. I'd just be like, leaning against the fridge, and three people would assault me like the Governmental people vs. ET, and take me to a matress with a bucket (my Bucket of Awesome/love bucket). For some reason, even though I wasn't being loud of obnoxious or anything, lots of people thought it was a great idea to repeatedly lead me away and tell me to go to sleep (nice bitch in particular). Somehow the fact that I was just going to get right back up as soon as she left wasn't sinking in. At one point she said, "promise me you won't get up again" to which I said, "you know I can't be trusted when I'm like this" and she didn't care. We shook pinkies, she left, and I followed a minute later. Several times during the night I remember people saying, "how is he still standing??" I never cease to amaze people.

My vision was really bad. I couldn't read things and I was happy. I learned it's fun to not be able to read. I couldn't make out faces. It really wasn't my fault because there were so many. I'd sometimes guess for a while, and when I got it right, I would exclaim it victoriously: "Joe? Joey. Jeff...Jason!!" Everything became a guessing game of faces, which happens to be a very fun game. At one point I said, "isn't your name Alison?" to some girl talking to me and she said, "yes! wow, I'm really impressed you know my name." I was too. It was perhaps my proudest moment in life.

There were lots of people making out that otherwise would never have been making out. Alcohol leads to the almost certain scenario of some nice girl helping you walk. When I had just finished my last drink of the night, I recall sarah saying, "are you alright?" Me: "yes, I'm fine, I'm just chillin." then I sat on the bench, realized this wasn't as comfortable as possible, so I layed down on the basement floor. Who knew it could be so comfortable? Brian came downstairs, (he later told me it was to proudly announce he was on number nine because we were one for one-ing each other) and found me on the ground and he was like, "well so much for that contest." They tried escorting me away and I said, "jussst because I'm lying onnn the ground doessn't mean I'm drunkk." Brian's retort: "oh I'm sorry, I thought that was exactly what that meant." Damn you Brian and your wittiness! Then I made some comment like, "wowww. walking is wayy easier when there are two people helping you."

Alls I know is people like me and my odd comments when I'm drunk and I have a good time, so everybody wins (my brain, you don't count). Alcohol is the best drug out there. I was eating asbestos earlier that day in my house, and not ONE girl started talking to me. I'd never been into alcohol, I was always the person scorning those that drank in high school, envious of their popularity but I've found it's easier to join them than fight them. This was only my fifth time drinking this year, and thus ever, so I think I'm not over doing it. In my book, it's totally okay to get smashed every once in a while. This concludes my session of "From What I Remember."

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.